Re: Joke Thread
I was expecting some sort of "slice" finale, but I'm twisted.
I was expecting some sort of "slice" finale, but I'm twisted.
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Wolverines Wings Same Old Lions Tigers Pistons Erika Christensen -
Re: Joke Thread
An entire 1+ year without a good joke?? Man... that is dry.
Well this may not help, but I made this one up (honest).
"Why do women flash their boobs at Mardi Gras?"
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Last edited by Bullit; 01-19-2016, 08:02 PM.In Loving memory of my "Cricket" 1/2/96 - 11/19/2012
My heart and soul hurt for your lost presence in my life.Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Some of my favorite Steven Wright's:
I picked up a hitch hiker and asked if I fall asleep driving, will you help? Guy says 'No, I can't drive an automatic'
My grandmother gives me $10 and says 'Don't tell your mother I'm giving you this.' I told her it's going to cost her more than that.
My grandfather was on the first submarine. Instead of a para-scope he had a kaleidoscope. 'Oh no! We're surrounded!'
I remember when I was a fetus I would sneak out when my mother was sleeping.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.Originally posted by Gibson88Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Its not a joke, but I always laugh at Kat Williams in this clip.
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Re: Joke Thread
You can tell if a girl likes you by looking at her feet...
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Re: Joke Thread
Credit to Dan Shaughnessy for this one:
Guy gets home, house is empty. Walks into the kitchen sees a note on the fridge. The note says, "This isn't working anymore. I went to live at my sisters." Opens the fridge, grabs a beer. Light in the fridge works and the beer cold, asks himself "What does she mean this isn't working anymore?"Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Not really a joke, just a post I saw on Facebook today.
Dear people who type in all lowercase,
We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Sincerely,
Capital Letters.Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out,
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Re: Joke Thread
Doctors have advised folks that are perennially cold to go and sit in a corner...because...corners are 90 degrees.Originally posted by Gibson88Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake…
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a ‘Billy-Club’.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
‘Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy…. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
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Re: Joke Thread
A lady finds a magic lamp. She rubs it and a literal genie comes out. The genie grants her three wishes. She is a little overweight. She doesn't have a lot of money. And she doesn't have luck with men. With her first wish, she wishes to be a little lighter. The genie turns her into a Zippo.
Sent from my LGAS992 using TapatalkBecause I live in van down by the river...Comment
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Re: Joke Thread
Saw this on reddit.
A horse is sitting at home watching MTV. He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says.
Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
SpoilerLast edited by CMH; 10-23-2016, 12:53 PM."It may well be that we spectators, who are not divinely gifted as athletes, are the only ones able to truly see, articulate and animate the experience of the gift we are denied. And that those who receive and act out the gift of athletic genius must, perforce, be blind and dumb about it -- and not because blindness and dumbness are the price of the gift, but because they are its essence." - David Foster Wallace
"You'll not find more penny-wise/pound-foolish behavior than in Major League Baseball." - Rob NeyerComment
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Re: Joke Thread
^ LOL I say that joke with just the last two lines. Makes people less upset that I build all of that up just for that punch line.
Reminds me of my friend telling me a joke called "the pink joke." He built up the joke for nearly seven minutes before throwing the punch line, that nearly resulted me in throwing a punch at him myself. I wanted my seven minutes back.
At least this horse one has a punch line haha.Samsung PN60F8500 PDP / Anthem MRX 720 / Klipsch RC-62 II / Klipsch RF-82 II (x2) / Insignia NS-B2111 (x2) / SVS PC13-Ultra / SVS SB-2000 / Sony MDR-7506 Professional / Audio-Technica ATH-R70x / Sony PS3 & PS4 / DirecTV HR44-500 / DarbeeVision DVP-5000 / Panamax M5400-PM / Elgato HD60Comment
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