Joke Thread

[C the Lyte]

Re: Joke Thread

I read this three times, each time thinking to myself: "But it's a wedding!"

Then I read it a fourth time and realized it never says it is. The things words can do to your mind.

Yeah I had to read it a couple times to figure out what was going on.

Are either of you married?

[CMH]

Are either of you married?

No I'm not. I get the joke and understood what was happening the first time I read it.

I was explaining that I did what the joke intended and pictured a wedding from the get-go and was so convinced of that image I thought it said it was a wedding.


Sent from my mobile device.

[l3ulvl]

Re: Joke Thread

Are either of you married?

Not married, whigh do you ask?

[khaled]

Re: Joke Thread

I HEART THIS THREAD!!!

[Sanchez_Mareno]

Re: Joke Thread

So very bored, i read the 1st 1/3 of this thread, very impressed

[C the Lyte]

Re: Joke Thread

Not married, whigh do you ask?

Nice!!!

[BlueNGold]

Re: Joke Thread

Why are redneck girls like hockey goalies?

Spoiler

They only change their pads after 3 periods.

[Sanchez_Mareno]

Re: Joke Thread

So very bored, i read the 1st 1/3 of this thread, very impressed

And now im finished, bit sad mods had to get involved for a while there. The ruder jokes were some of the funnier ones

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

I need to preface these by saying that I am about a quarter Norwegian, and as such, my family would always tell Norwegian jokes at hollidays, etc. So if you are offended in any way (which probably won't happen), just remember that I'm mostly making fun of myself.

I just won the Norwegian Lottery. The prize is $1 million, and will be payed out in a sum of $1 a year for a million years.

Ollie the Norwegian and his best friend Swen decided to try their hand at being horse ranchers, so they each got a horse, but each morning, they would argue about which horse belonged to who. So one day, Ollie said "I tell ya what Swen, we'll cut the mane off of your horse so that way we can tell which horse is which." Swen agreed and so they cut the mane off of his horse. That night, their neighbor, who had witnessed that morning's squabble, decided to play a little joke on them and cut the mane off of the Ollie's horse. As a result, the next morning, Ollie and Swen were at it again, when, after 3 hours of argument, Ollie suggested that they cut off the tail of Swen's horse. Swen agrees and they cut off the tail. The neighbor was so entertained by that morning's events, that he again cut the tail off of the other horse. After 4 more hours of argument, Ollie finally says, "Okay Swen, I tell ya what, why don't you take the white horse and I'll take the brown one."

Ollie was using the outhouse one day, when he dropped a quarter down the hole. So he started throwing 5s, 10s even 20s down the hole. Swen just so happened to be noticing this while walking by and he goes to Ollie and says "Ollie, why are you throwing all that money down the hole?!?!?" Ollie replies "Well... ya didn't think I'd go down there for just a quarter did ya?!?

[CMH]

More Ollie and Swen!


Sent from my mobile device.

[ScoobySnax]

Re: Joke Thread

This married couple who were both hard of hearing were having difficulties in bed related to communication mix-ups. So they decided that they would need to give some type of signals since they had trouble hearing each other. They wrote notes to each other indicating what these signals should be. The wife wrote to her husband, "When you don't want sex, simply reach around and pull on my right boob once, and when you do want sex, simply reach around and pull on my left boob twice." The husband nodded that this would work well. He then gave his note to his wife, which read, "When you don't want sex, reach around and pull on my penis two-hundred and fifty times..... "

This is one of my favorite ones.

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

More Ollie and Swen!


Sent from my mobile device.

Done deal:

Ollie and Swen were up in Canada doing some moose hunting and when it came time to head back home, they each got to their helicopter toting one big bull moose. The helicopter pilot looks at them and goes "I'm not going to be able to take both of you and you're bounties back at the same time. I'm afraid we're going to have to make separate trips." Ollie says, "Well, our pilot last year took us both with our catches on the same flight." The pilot concedes and they take off. They get over the Rockies and Bam! Down they go. A few hours later Swen comes to and says "Ollie, where the heck are we?" Ollie looks around, survey's his surroundings and goes "Oh, I'd say about 300 feet further than we got last year."

When Ollie and his wife Lena had first gotten married they were heading up to Minneapolis for their honeymoon and after about an hour of driving Ollie finally worked up the courage to put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena looks at Ollie, and says "Ollie, we are married, you can go further if you want." So he drove way to Duluth!

[mgoblue]

Re: Joke Thread

More Ollie and Swen!


Sent from my mobile device.

Ollie and Swen are great! Sometimes that obviously cheesy joke just gets you.

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

Okay... be prepared. This one is a little long.

Spoiler

Johnny was running late for school one morning and the teacher said "I won't send you to the principal's office if you can tell me the capitol of Zimbabwe." Johnny replied "I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe." So the teacher sent him to the principal.

The principal looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me here." The Principal looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Superintendant."

The Superintendant looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal who sent me here." The Superintendant looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Mayor."

The Mayor looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me here." The Mayor looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Iowa House of Representatives."

The Iowa House Majority Leader looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me here." The House Majority Leader looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to the Iowa Senate."

The Vice Governor of Iowa looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me here." The Vice Governorlooked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'll have to send you to Governor Branstad."

The Governor of Iowa, Terry Branstad looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me here." The Governor looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to the US House of Representatives."

The Speaker of the House looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me here." The Speaker of the house looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to the US Senate."

Vice President Biden looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House who sent me here." Biden looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to send you to President Obama."

President Obama looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me here." Obama looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to deport you."

So Johnny is on a plane out of the country and the pilot looks at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me and that's why I'm here." The pilot looked at Johnny, shook his head and said "Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out of the plane."

So the pilot set Johnny up with a parachute and kicked him out of the plane. Johnny landed right on a pirate ship and the head pirate looked at Johnny and says "Argh, Well hi Johnny! What brings ye here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me, and then the pilot kicked me out of the plane and that's why I'm here." The pirate captain looked at Johnny, shook his head and said " Argh, Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid I'll have to make ye walk the plank."

So the pirates made Johnny walk the plank and Johnny landed right in the middle of a pack of sharks. The head shark looked at Johnny and says "Well hi Johnny! What brings you here today?" And Johnny says "Well, I was running late for school this morning and the teacher said if I could tell her the capitol of Zimbabwe, but I don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe. So, she sent me to the principal, who sent me to the Superintendant, who sent me to the Mayor, who sent me to the Iowa House, who sent me to the Iowa Senate, who sent me to the Governor, who sent me to the US House, who sent me to the US Senate, who sent me to the president who deported me, and then the pilot kicked me out of the plane, I fell onto a pirate ship, they made me walk the plank and that's why I'm here." The head shark looked at Johnny, shook his head and said " Well, if you don't know the capitol of Zimbabwe, I'm afraid we'll have to eat you."

So Johnny swam away from the sharks as fast as he could and after a while he made it to land. He looked up and saw a sign that said "Capitol of Zimbabwe, 8 miles." So he darted across the road and Bam! he was hit by a truck. The moral of the story?

Spoiler

Look both ways before crossing the street.

[letsgopens66]

Re: Joke Thread

^

What do you call a vampire that's 3 miles from a blood bank?

Spoiler

A cab