Joke Thread

**BurghFan** · 03-28-2011, 12:55 AM

Re: Joke Thread

Originally posted by ~LiverpoolRed~

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girlfriends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the irish father, "irish father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me." The irish father said, "Tell me who the lady was." The lad said he couldn't do that and the irish father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady ?" asked the irish father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the irish father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"

Saw a Red Bull commercial tonight that kind of parodied this joke.

**ScoobySnax** · 10-11-2011, 12:59 PM

Re: Joke Thread

-- A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to<O

</O

End her life by throwing herself into the ocean,<O

></O

>
<O

></O

>
But just before she could throw herself from the docks,<O

</O

A handsome young man stopped her.<O

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<O

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"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor,<O

></O

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And we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.<O

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I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."<O

></O

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<O

></O

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With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always<O

></O

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Wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.<O

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<O

></O

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That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small<O

></O

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But comfortable compartment in the hold.<O

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<O

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> From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches,<O

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A bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.<O

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<O

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Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain<O

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During a routine inspection.<O

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<O

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"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.<O

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<O

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"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.<O

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"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."<O

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<O

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"I see," the captain says.<O

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<O

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Her conscience got the best of her and she added,<O

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"Plus, he's screwing me."<O

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<O

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"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island<O

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Ferry."<O

></O

>

**ScoobySnax** · 10-19-2011, 06:27 PM

Re: Joke Thread

Got another one for y'all. I don't know what's up with the formatting. Sorry about that.

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.<O

</O

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.<O

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>

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of<O

></O

>
money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.<O

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>

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child<O

></O

>
support until the child turned 18.<O

></O

>

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.<O

></O

>

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write<O

></O

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'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.<O

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He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.<O

></O

>

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
<O

></O

>
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'<O

></O

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'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.<O

></O

>

The wife obeyed and watched, as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
<O

></O

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On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!"<O

></O

>
<O

></O

>

**daflyboys** · 10-19-2011, 08:27 PM

Re: Joke Thread

So the other day I'm supposed to meet this guy for lunch at a fancy restaurant. I was dressed in my usual business casual.... slacks and open buttoned shirt. I arrive at the front door and the Maitre d' quickly stops me, exclaiming, "Sir! You cannot come in here without a tie!! This is a reputable establishment!"

Man was I miffed.... so I went out to my car and grabbed anything I could to fashion into a tie.... it was the jumper cables. I tied them into a simple knot around my neck, walked up to the entrance and asked the Maitre d' "Well....is this okay??"

He said... "Yes, that'll be fine........you can come in.......

..... just don't try and start anything!"

**~LiverpoolRed~** · 10-26-2011, 01:29 PM

Re: Joke Thread

<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w

oNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-CA</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w

ontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w

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ontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w

ontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--> I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa !!!

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick b******.

**Splitter77** · 10-27-2011, 07:45 AM

Re: Joke Thread

i like the one liners....

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy???

gang rape

**ScoobySnax** · 11-15-2011, 03:15 PM

Re: Joke Thread

The doorman at the club greets them and says,'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'<O

</O

<O

</O

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.<O

</O

<O

</O

'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.’<O

</O

<O

</O

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"<O

</O

<O

</O

'I recognize her… she's the waitress from the golf club.<O

</O

<O

</O

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'<O

</O

<O

</O

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'<O

</O

<O

</O

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.<O

</O

<O

</O

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.<O

</O

<O

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Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.<O

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<O

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Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.<O

</O

<O

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She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...<O

</O

<O

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The cabby turns around and says,<O

</O

<O

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'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time'<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

VERN'S FUNERAL IS BEING HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.<O

</O

**TripleCrown9** · 11-15-2011, 03:22 PM

Re: Joke Thread

Ok so this guy walks into a bar, and sees a man at a table with other man that stands 1 foot tall, one foot! The shorter man is playing a little piano, and the guy with him doesn't look happy. So the newcomer walks up and says, "Hey, where did you find this guy?". "From this genie lamp", the upset fellow replies, "but it's broken". Confused, the man asks how it's broken. "Try it out and see for yourself!" says the stranger. "Fine, I wish I had a million bucks!", the man proclaims as he rubs the lamp. A few seconds later, there's a rumble and a million ducks start to fill the bar. "Oh my god, you were right!", the guy yelled while stepping over duck after duck. "See? Told ya it was broken.", the man told the other, "You think I would ask for a twelve inch pianist?"

**ScoobySnax** · 01-23-2012, 06:24 PM

Re: Joke Thread

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

I was a very happy man.<O

</O

<O

</O

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.<O

</O

<O

</O

so we decided to get married.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

There was only one little thing<O

</O

bothering me..<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and<O

</O

<O

</O

generally was Bra-less.
<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.<O

</O

<O

</O

I always got more than a nice<O

</O

view.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

It had to be deliberate.<O

</O

<O

</O

she never did it around anyone else.
<O

</O

<O

</O

One day she called me and asked me to come over.<O

</O

<O

</O

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

She was alone when I arrived.<O

</O

<O

</O

she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.<O

</O

<O

</O

she couldn't overcome them anymore.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".<O

</O

<O

</O

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.<O

</O

<O

</O

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.<O

</O

<O

</O

"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

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I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

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I stood there for a moment..<O

</O

<O

</O

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.<O

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<O

</O

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.<O

</O

<O

</O

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.<O

</O

<O

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We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.<O

</O

<O

</O

Welcome to the family my son..'<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

And the moral of this story is:<O

</O

<O

</O

<O

</O

Always keep your condoms in<O

</O

your car.<O

</O

..............

**Happy29** · 03-10-2012, 12:30 AM

Re: Joke Thread

My Mother In Law is a big woman I mean she's big and she wanted to have a face lift to remove some of the old wrinkly saggy skin from her face. So finally one day she went in to have the surgery. We all sat in the waiting area at the hospital during the operation. When it was finally over the Dr. come out to meet with us, and he told us "Well I have some good news, and I have some better news." So we asked "Dr. what's the good news?" He said "The surgery went great your mother in law is doing well and once we remove the bandages she'll look 30 years younger." "That's great Doc but what's the better news?" The doctor replied with "I had enough skin left over we was able to make a pair of cowboy boots."

**nyj721** · 05-23-2012, 11:49 AM

Re: Joke Thread

I have a joke for all the mind readers out there....

**~LiverpoolRed~** · 05-23-2012, 02:50 PM

Re: Joke Thread

Guy says to his wife “why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?” She says “well I don’t like calling when you’re at work”.

**DaveDQ** · 05-23-2012, 04:34 PM

Re: Joke Thread

A Madden fanboy, NFL 2K5 fanboy and an NFL QB Club fanboy are sitting on a bridge, eating their lunch. Madden fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, turkey...if I get turkey one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge." QB Club fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, pastrami..if I get pastrami one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge." NFL 2K5 fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, tuna...if I get tuna one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge."

The next day, 2K5 fanboy opens his lunch and angrily yells out, "TUNA!" he then proceeds to throw his lunch off the bridge. Madden fanboy then opens his lunch, cries out, "TURKEY!" He then throws his lunch off the bridge.

NFL QB Club fanboy doesn't even open his lunch but stands up and flings his lunch off the bridge, as he shouts, "PASTRAMI! Perplexed, Madden and 2K5 fanboy yell out, "Wait, you never even checked what it was..."

NFL QB Club fanboy confidently states, "Didn't have to. I make my lunch every morning."

**RJTurneR** · 05-23-2012, 06:07 PM

Re: Joke Thread

A Madden fanboy, NFL 2K5 fanboy and an NFL QB Club fanboy are sitting on a bridge, eating their lunch. Madden fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, turkey...if I get turkey one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge." QB Club fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, pastrami..if I get pastrami one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge." NFL 2K5 fanboy opens his lunch and says, "Man, tuna...if I get tuna one more time this week I'm throwing my lunch off this bridge."

The next day, 2K5 fanboy opens his lunch and angrily yells out, "TUNA!" he then proceeds to throw his lunch off the bridge. Madden fanboy then opens his lunch, cries out, "TURKEY!" He then throws his lunch off the bridge.

NFL QB Club fanboy doesn't even open his lunch but stands up and flings his lunch off the bridge, as he shouts, "PASTRAMI! Perplexed, Madden and 2K5 fanboy yell out, "Wait, you never even checked what it was..."

NFL QB Club fanboy confidently states, "Didn't have to. I make my lunch every morning."

Hmm.... I have the same joke but it instead it's an Scottish man, an Irish man, and a Welsh man. The hardest part is having to say the joke in each individual accent.

i like the one liners....

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy???

gang rape

I love that! And not the gang rape.. The one liner.

**ScoobySnax** · 06-12-2012, 11:43 AM

Re: Joke Thread

Cussing at Work

<O

</O

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. <O

</O

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. <O

</O

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting..
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__..

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment..
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary..

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a___

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks..

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive..
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Joke Thread

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