Joke Thread

[z Revis]

Re: Joke Thread

Knock Knock

Who's There?

I'm a Pileup

I'm a Pileup Who?

Of course you are.

might take a few times to get it

LMAO. Sounds like something we used to say when we were 10.

[BurghFan]

Re: Joke Thread

LMAO. Sounds like something we used to say when we were 10.

Yeah, kind of like this one.

Read this aloud

Eye
Yam
Not
We
Todd
Did

[jeremym480]

Re: Joke Thread

Yeah, kind of like this one.

Read this aloud

Eye
Yam
Not
We
Todd
Did

How about this.

I'm
Sofa
King
We
Todd
Ed

[BrianFifaFan]

Re: Joke Thread

Just got this and it's too funny. I'm in no way racist, so please nobody be offended that it's called the Japanese Eye Test. Try and read the picture. If you can't: pull the corners of you eyes as if you were Japanese or Oriental. It's amazing:


My wife sent it to me. So it's her fault!LOL!

[SuperBowlNachos]

Re: Joke Thread

How about this.

I'm
Sofa
King
We
Todd
Ed

Hoof Hearted

Ice Melted

[VDusen04]

Re: Joke Thread

Why was the policeman in bed?

Because he was an undercover cop!

[VDusen04]

Re: Joke Thread

Knock Knock

Who's There?

I'm a Pileup

I'm a Pileup Who?

Of course you are.

might take a few times to get it

I just blew someone's mind with this joke. She's trying to reason her way through it as we speak. She's still waiting for the punchline.

[mkharsh33]

Re: Joke Thread

that one took me a few seconds to get...

[jeremym480]

Re: Joke Thread

I don't know if this one has been posted before. It's an oldie but, a goody.


3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "**** that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

[utexas]

Re: Joke Thread

I don't know if this one has been posted before. It's an oldie but, a goody.


3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "**** that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

You win

[24]

Re: Joke Thread

A man named James was crossing the street when he got hit by a bus. he was sent to the gates of heaven and met saint peter. Peter was standing behind the desk and behind him was a wall of clocks.
James approached peter and asked

St. Peter what are those clocks behind you for

My son the clocks you see behind me are the lying clocks. everytime a person lies the hands tick and the more times the hands tick the less of a chance you have to get into heaven

Look at George Washington's clock in his entire life he only told one lie so the clock only ticked once. The same thing goes for Abraham lincoln he on the other hand never told a lie

St. Peter where is George Bush

Well James God likes to keep Mr.bush's clock in his office as a ceiling fan

[stewaat]

Re: Joke Thread

Just heard this one and I thought it was pretty good


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?






























Zero, feminists can't change anything

[Jano]

Re: Joke Thread

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the lights.. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops."

[Chef Matt]

Re: Joke Thread

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter-tops."