Joke Thread

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and commit my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, & if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes & threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment,then turned & went straight to the front door.I opened the door & stepped out of the house & walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter."Welcome to the family!"

Spoiler

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

[Buckeyes_Doc]

Re: Joke Thread

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

Couldn't walk for a year."

[ryan36]

Re: Joke Thread

Dallas Cowboys.

[youvalss]

Re: Joke Thread

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.



Don't mess with old farts!

[Blitz1942]

Re: Joke Thread

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.


So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.



Don't mess with old farts!

I've heard that very same joke a few times, just replace the senior citizen with a blonde.

[Splitter77]

Re: Joke Thread

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

[VandyRedskins21]

Re: Joke Thread

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Spoiler

She has no arms.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

Spoiler

Not Sally.

[mgoblue]

Re: Joke Thread

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Spoiler

She has no arms.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"

Spoiler

Not Sally.

LOL my fiancee told me this one a month or so ago and I was dying...

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

A local reporter was doing street interviews for his column with the assignment to ask people, "what do you think is the greatest invention of all time?"

Upon asking the first gentleman, he responded,

"I believe it's the automobile. It gives everyone practically complete independence and you can travel great distances in just a few hours that previously would take days or weeks."

The second interviewee, a young lady, said,

"Well I think it is the airplane. You can awake in the morning and in just a few hours be across the country to visit or conduct business in person and still have time in the rest of your day for leisure activities... amazing!"

The third person thought for a bit and then his face lit up with his answer.

"Clearly, it's the thermos!"

Spoiler

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.... how do it know???"

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

NSFW

Spoiler

A new employee was on the job during his first day at a sex toy shop. The owner decided to let him work the counter during his lunch break and told him, "don't challenge anyone on what they want to buy. The customer is always right." The employee enthusiastically responded, "you can count on me boss!".

Soon after, a Black girl walks in and up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, " I want to buy that black dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way.

Then, an Asian girl walks up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, "I want to buy that yellow dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way as well.

Just prior to the owner returning from lunch, a Polish girl walks up to the counter, points to the shelf and says, "I want to buy that plaid dildo". The employee rings it up and sends her on her way also.

The owner returns anxiously from lunch, wondering how his new employee handled his responsibilities. "So, how'd it go? Did you make any sales?"

Spoiler

The employee proudly responded, "You bet I did? I sold 2 dildos and your thermos!!"

(and it's legal for me to tell this joke....my maternal grandparents were Polish!

[Fly3]

Re: Joke Thread

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

I've heard this one from Joel Osteen.

[oneamongthefence]

I made a suggestion in a Madden thread. Another poster laughed at my idea. Now I've got something FORUM. (Ha ha ha)

From my fingers to your eyes using Tapatalk...

[mb625]

Re: Joke Thread

Spoilered just in case:

Spoiler

A Sunday School class was meeting on Easter morning and the teacher asked the students if they knew what the word "resurrection" meant. One little boy slowly raised his hand and said:

Spoiler

"I'm not sure, but the man on the TV says that if you have one lasting more than 4 hours, you need to see a doctor."