My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

[mgoblue]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

The OP didn't (and still hasn't) make this about worrying about the girls weight gain from a health aspect...he find's her fat VISUALLY disgusting. So when considering how anyone else would handle it assumes we'd all have the same problem.

I'm more just wondering if you just keep your mouth shut as your wife puts on 200 lbs because you "love her"....If I was getting sloppy like that I'd expect my wife to not be attracted to me, and attraction is a part of life. Yeah, you don't divorce someone over that, but if someone's gaining tons of weight there's some issue going on. I'd personally want to help someone I love figure that out (in a nice way), not ignore the problem until it festers and she gets massive.

I wouldn't throw away 3 years over something, but IMO people should take care of themselves over time...putting on 50 lbs is a somewhat alarming trend depending on the person...No one's perfect, and we all gain weight as we get older, but being in love and married isn't a "free pass" to become sloppy and dirty. At least to me, I don't see getting married as a valid reason to stop showering because she has to love me no matter what...you know?

I think maybe I disagree with some of you about attraction being important. I personally have tried dating a cool 300ish lb chick and it just wasn't gonna work for me. You have to be somewhat attracted to your spouse, IMO.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Yea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First...given your post...and your let's say "maturity" level, you're not ready for marriage.

If she's so great you should be able to see past these SUPERFICIAL things.

Don't ever have kids man...if you haven't already...because your woman is going to put on pounds (again), and a superficial dude like you will likely cheat on her because she doesn't "do it" for you anymore. Or otherwise ruin the relationship over her weight gain.

Just because you've got a good career and have been w/ a woman for more than a year doesn't constitute being ready for marriage. Your post actually contradicts that notion entirely.

I ain't perfect by any means, and had some real struggles my first two years of marriage (been married almost 4 now). So having gone through that, and gathering what I can from your initial post I'm not just some jackass w/ a holier than thou opinion.

Are you physically attracted to your wife?

[JBH3]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Are you physically attracted to your wife?

Yes I am.

And any relationship is primarily based on that...at least in the beginning. This is usually what attracts us to that person (physical appearance), but over time...like say 3 years :wink: if you haven't developed anything else w/ someone that overrules physical attraction than this is not the person to marry.

My wife is an extremely beautiful woman, and I'm as much attracted to her now than I was when we met 6 years ago.

That's because her intangible beauties are even more so than her physical beauty.

She's beared me a child, and yes put on a couple extra pounds, but she's even more beautiful than before. We've grown as people, and I'm also not the cut/trim Marine I was when we met in 2003 :wink:.

Physical attraction becomes the reason you meet this person, but doesn't become the reason you stay.

If his wife is eating all the time and gaining weight than there is a reason for this, and it's not because eating is fun. Many people cope w/ things through eating.

I don't know if the OP has done anything to enable that or not, but she may need some counseling if their are mental issues w/ her (struggles w/ insecurity etc.).

If she's just lazy, and refuses to exercise or control what she eats than you approach w/ concern of her health in the future and becoming diabetic or something. You certainly don't agitate her, and essentially tell her "I'm leaving you if your fat *** can't lose 40 lbs". Because that's essentially what the action speaks. You might not say this, but that's what the action speaks...and if she's having real issues then that would only compound the problem. If you genuinely care about this person, and she wasn't just around for years out of conveinence for sex than you wouldn't be like this w/ somebody.

[Speedy]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

And any relationship is primarily based on that...at least in the beginning. This is usually what attracts us to that person (physical appearance), but over time...like say 3 years :wink: if you haven't developed anything else w/ someone that overrules physical attraction than this is not the person to marry.

My point exactly.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Yes I am.

If you're physically attracted to your wife, then yes, you have a holier than thou attitude to tell a person who is no longer physically attracted to his partner to suck it up. You haven't been in that situation.

I have no idea what the reasons are for her putting on weight. The original poster should have a heart-to-heart conversation with her.

But that's not even what I'm talking about here. I think it's wrong to condemn someone for wanting to be in a relationship with someone he's physically attracted to.

Does that mean people should look exactly the same when they're 40 as they did when they were 20? No, but it means taking care of yourself in a way that allows you to meet your partner's needs. And his standards don't sound ridiculous. I don't think "not being physically repulsive" is a high bar to meet.

[JBH3]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

If you're physically attracted to your wife, then yes, you have a holier than thou attitude to tell a person who is no longer physically attracted to his partner to suck it up. You haven't been in that situation.

I have no idea what the reasons are for her putting on weight. The original poster should have a heart-to-heart conversation with her.

But that's not even what I'm talking about here. I think it's wrong to condemn someone for wanting to be in a relationship with someone he's physically attracted to.

Does that mean people should look exactly the same when they're 40 as they did when they were 20? No, but it means taking care of yourself in a way that allows you to meet your partner's needs. And his standards don't sound ridiculous. I don't think "not being physically repulsive" is a high bar to meet.

Well maybe my intial reaction was a little condemning.

I certainly don't want to be so condemning.

But it's ironic because ultimately we're ALL going to become unattractive. We'll get old and gray, our skin will sag, etc.

A lot of us will find it harder to lose weight once we get 40, and the pounds will pack on if you're not vigilant now...and especially then.

I guess the OVERALL point is, after having spent 3 years w/ someone, physical appearance being the only thing holding you back from spending the rest of your life with this person because she meets all of your expectations and/or exceeds them...w/ exception to her appearance. Where does it end?

If she suffers 1st degree burns, and looks like a halloween mask what then? Or is just watching her eat herself into oblivion the problem?

I mean I guess my point is that there needs to be some soul-searching within the OP too. Where does he draw the line w/ physical appearance.

Say she drops 40lbs, then 2 years later she has twins, and suffers losing the weight then? What's he to do?

Hypothetical but valid nonetheless. Aging and the effects of it are inevitable. Kids and the effects of them are inevitable.

Where is the line drawn? If 3 years isn't enough to appreciate someone for everything ELSE they offer than will anyone ever make you completely happy?

Jerry Seinfeld?

[aholbert32]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

If his wife is eating all the time and gaining weight than there is a reason for this, and it's not because eating is fun. Many people cope w/ things through eating.

I don't know if the OP has done anything to enable that or not, but she may need some counseling if their are mental issues w/ her (struggles w/ insecurity etc.).

If she's just lazy, and refuses to exercise or control what she eats than you approach w/ concern of her health in the future and becoming diabetic or something. You certainly don't agitate her, and essentially tell her "I'm leaving you if your fat *** can't lose 40 lbs". Because that's essentially what the action speaks. You might not say this, but that's what the action speaks...and if she's having real issues then that would only compound the problem. If you genuinely care about this person, and she wasn't just around for years out of conveinence for sex than you wouldn't be like this w/ somebody.

Can someone just like to eat? I'm 30 pounds heavier than my college weight (I was skinny as hell) and it was because I'm lazy or depressed or coping. It was because I like food and my metabolism slowed down.

Call me shallow but I think you have a responsibility to remain somewhat physically the same as when you first married the person. Neither the man or the woman should take their significant other for granted by gaining a significant amount of weight unless its connected to a medical (physical/mental) condition.

[CMH]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

I'll never get ugly. Don't know what you're talking about.

But, seriously, I think what you're saying JBH is right on when a person is at that stage in a relationship or life.

He is obviously not.

I don't think it's wrong for someone to feel disgusted by their partner's weight becoming disgusting (in their own opinion). He obviously still cares for this girl and he seems willing to be with her so long as the weight drops. We've established ways he can go about it to resolve his dilemma.

I have more of an issue with people saying he is naive or doesn't deserve her because he has one negative thought about her looks. I think it's reaching for an easy excuse to condemn him without seriously looking at the situation and offering him a way to resolve his issue.

No one here believes he should dump the girl because she got heavier. If he definitely cares for her (and making this thread proves to me that he does because otherwise he would have just dropped her without asking for help) then he will talk to her about his issue and discuss a way to make them both happy. A relationship is about working together and making sure both parties are happy in compromise. Maybe she can't lose all of the added weight, but perhaps she can at least work at it and get to the point where he won't feel disgusted by her new look.

[Matt10]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

What's the problem, I told my fiance that I do not want to be with someone who doesn't take care of themselves, and I also do not like it when I am not in healthy condition.

So one day, I straight up asked her for her help to keep me motivated - and asked if she can workout with me or make sure I'm doing my workouts. Sure there are days where we are lazy and she lets me slide - but other than that she holds me to it.

However, those are those times in which she talks about her butt or whatever and I tell her what I think - no holding back. She says she thinks her butt is getting big, I say "then do something about it". Obviously she feels that way, so I'm going to tell her, "YOu know what, you can sit there and say things - but actually doing it is a different thing."

Don't hold back, be true to yourself because that's how you're true to your significant other. All these guys on here talking about Shallow Hal or whatever are kidding themselves.

It's not a matter of defining love in basic template form, it's matter of identifying what type of love you have - which is completely different than anyone on a message board to judge.

[JBH3]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Can someone just like to eat? I'm 30 pounds heavier than my college weight (I was skinny as hell) and it was because I'm lazy or depressed or coping. It was because I like food and my metabolism slowed down.

Sure you can. Just know it's effects...either on you...or your significant other.

Eat all you want, and be happy w/ it's results.

Don't be one of those fat people who hates who they are or have become and takes it out on others. :wink:

Call me shallow but I think you have a responsibility to remain somewhat physically the same as when you first married the person. Neither the man or the woman should take their significant other for granted by gaining a significant amount of weight unless its connected to a medical (physical/mental) condition.

I agree. But IMO it should be for your health, rather than physical appearance.

It's very selfish to eat, not exercise, and basically kill yourself...robbing your significant other or children of time they could've otherwise had w/ you on this earth, but due to your desire to eat and be a glutton you robbed them.

I think about all that when say my sweettooth says hello, or I want a second helping...not because I wasn't satisfied, but because it tasted soooo good.

You've got to be in control. Food is merely fuel for us, not entertainment.

I'll never get ugly. Don't know what you're talking about.

But, seriously, I think what you're saying JBH is right on when a person is at that stage in a relationship or life.

He is obviously not.

I don't think it's wrong for someone to feel disgusted by their partner's weight becoming disgusting (in their own opinion). He obviously still cares for this girl and he seems willing to be with her so long as the weight drops. We've established ways he can go about it to resolve his dilemma.

I have more of an issue with people saying he is naive or doesn't deserve her because he has one negative thought about her looks. I think it's reaching for an easy excuse to condemn him without seriously looking at the situation and offering him a way to resolve his issue.

No one here believes he should dump the girl because she got heavier. If he definitely cares for her (and making this thread proves to me that he does because otherwise he would have just dropped her without asking for help) then he will talk to her about his issue and discuss a way to make them both happy. A relationship is about working together and making sure both parties are happy in compromise. Maybe she can't lose all of the added weight, but perhaps she can at least work at it and get to the point where he won't feel disgusted by her new look.

I certainly wouldn't want to be condemned by OS either.

...and the feelings he feels are not justified. I guess it's at what point do you stop seeing the world that way? You can meet some even more attractive, and she is just an utterly selfish and total bitch.

and I agree...coming on here seeking help/advice shows a genuine care.

So ignoring what might've seemed holier than thou to the OP there are still questions he must answer either w/ his girl or internally:

1. What's most important to me? Looks or everything else she offers.
2. How can I help her?
3. Why does she eat?
4. When do I look past physical flaws, and see the more important aspects of one's character?

Those are just a few things that need to be answered.

[TheLetterZ]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Why do (1) and (4) have to be an either/or situation? You've found someone that you're physically and emotionally attracted to. Why doesn't he deserve someone like that too?

And even looks aren't black and white. I don't think he's expecting her to be Jessica Alba, only to take care of herself enough so that she isn't completely physically unattractive to him. Obviously other things matter besides looks, or he would have dumped her instead of tearing his hair out asking us for advice.

(2) and (3) are great questions around which a dialogue between the two of them should center.

[deaduck]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

As stated in a variety of posts, if a supportive dialogue was an option don't you think he would have enabled it? Maybe not having been able to discuss it earlier on would be a CLEAR sign that her attractiveness isn't the only issue in this relationship.

[DC]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

I am late here but you have to give her a chance to lose the weight. I feel if yall have been together and your lifestyle hasn't yet rubbed off on her in 3 years, then it PROBABLY won't ever happen.

Women usually take some identity of the dude she is with (if he is a leader type dude) so she would have adopted your lifestyle somewhat by now.

But workout with her, if she doesn't cooperate then move on.

If you can't get hard when you touch on her body then I don't see why you should marry her.

All of you dudes yelling shallow, turn off the soap operas PLEASE

[DickDalewood]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

Honestly, I don't think you're being that much of a jerk... if at all. Neither does my girlfriend for that matter (she read your post too).

Looks ARE important, whether everyone wants to admit it or not. And honestly, she should want to look good for you the same as I'm sure you want to look good for her. Facts are facts, and sex is a healthy part of any relationship... but you do want to be attracted to the person your sleeping with, both mentally AND physically.

[DC]

Re: My OS brothers...I am at a crossroads. Help me out.

^ Exactly. He shouldn't be called a JERK and SHALLOW because he wants his woman to look good as long as possible. And she hasn't had a kid yet, THAT is excusable. But I know if I am putting the work in the gym, the person I am with needs to be on the same page. Point blank.

YOU can't be in shape and she can't be. I mean the non verbals should sink into her mind. "Damn this man's body looks good. Look at me. I wonder what he thinks. OK, let me start doing SOMETHING."

Nah man, you can love her but that doesn't mean you have to just "accept her as she is." Demand better, that is what a relationship is about. Keeping each other in CHECK. Keeping each other FOCUSED. Not letting one person fall out of line. Because BOTH of you will end up unhapy

You know females will use the, "Whiiiiiiiii whiiiiiiiiii I am faaaaaaaaaaat. You don't love me anymore.............You used to touch me all the tiiiiiiiiiiiime. What happened.......whiiiiiiiiiiiii."

And you will be like, "Shut yo mouf woman and hit the gym."

But yea, you get my point