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Dear Valued Staff,
Much like our old logo, we got completely bent over this season. Brady's lower legs getting turned to dust, Moss remembering that he's a me-first *******, running backs retiring, offensive linemen demanding ridiculous contracts. We got our work cut out for us if we want to score points next year, so I'll get started:
QUARTERBACK: I can't throw Trent Edwards under the bus. He did a somewhat admirable job despite horrible circumstances, but he isn't the future of this franchise. I think we keep him onboard to backup our eventual replacement. The other two scrubs, I don't even know who the hell they are but get them on the next bus out of town. I know we have the 3rd pick in the draft, and I suppose I'll pony up the money if you can get me a franchise QB at that pick... But you better be damn sure. You know how much I hate having high draft picks and the required bonus payouts. If you are not 100% sure, TRADE DOWN!
RUNNING BACK: We can no longer rely on retreads. Fred Taylor and Kevin Faulk finally realized that using a walker with tennis balls on the feet was in their immediate future if they didn't hang it up. We still have Willie Parker under contract and I think he can contribute, but we need to look for a young feature back. I don't know if we are going to be able to rely on a "five WR, spread the field and our QB destroys you" attack on offense. So at fullback, I want a true lead blocker back there and I don't think Sammy Morris is going to cut it. He is free to look for a new employer along with that other bust we drafted a few years back... the dude with the hyphenated last name... What's the deal with that? Was he a married woman who didn't want to give up the maiden name?
WR / TE: We'll miss the production Moss gave us when he wasn't being a weeping vagina, so I'd like to find a another large target to start opposite Wes Welker, but I generally like the mix we have here. If we fall into somebody in the draft or can pickup an affordable option in free agency, let's do it. I'm happy with our TE situation, we're standing pat there. (HAH! I made pun, standing "pat" .. ... LAUGH DAMMIT, I SIGN YOUR PAYCHECKS!)
OFFENSIVE LINE: I don't know who these 30 year old guys think they are demanding 5 and 6 year contracts with $10 million or more guarenteed. Let's find some more economical options here for the left side of our line. I'm still debating on whether I want to throw the franchise tag on Matt Light, he's been a great contributor... But that Logan Mankins guy has to go... his demands are flippin ridiculous. If we can get one contributor for the offensive line from the draft, I'll be happy.
DEFENSE: Beyond Vince Wilfork and Ty Warren, we really don't have any starting caliber lineman that will scare anybody. I don't want to break the bank, but put in the back of your heads now, I want some upgrades here. I am generally happy with the rest of the defense. We're going to need some depth guys here and there, but the current starting core at linebacker and in the defensive backfield is satisfactory.
SPECIAL TEAMS: I can't believe I just paid a damn kicker almost $5 million for the next two years of work, but I did it. We're set here as well.
So there you have it, my mandates for the future direction of this franchise. Get it done or I'll find somebody who can.
With Warm Regards,
THE BOSS
[UP NEXT: Are any free agents worth a damn?]