Joke Thread

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

Thank you sir. More to come later.

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on his face.

The egg, looking a bit disgusted, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, 'Well,
I guess we finally answered THAT question!'

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "f**k", -- the Rottweiler ate him!"

[in mid air]

Re: Joke Thread

A Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she said.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident and why she thought the cat stuttered.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say "f**k", -- the Rottweiler ate him!"

Wooh, thank goodness I wasnt drinking something this time because my screen would be orange LOL

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy."

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says.

He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm soused," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No flappin' way." But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "This is hell. I gotta stop drinking," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in.

The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called... You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[in mid air]

Re: Joke Thread

Wow I did not expect that AT ALL. Good jokes, themush

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

Too kind sir too kind.

How many cops does it take to push a suspect down a flight of stairs?



None, He "fell".

[themush]

Re: Joke Thread

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalist

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[youvalss]

Re: Joke Thread

^^^ Nice!!!

[slickdtc]

Re: Joke Thread

Too kind sir too kind.

How many cops does it take to push a suspect down a flight of stairs?



None, He "fell".

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Joke Thread

LOL @ the Irish Cripple joke.

[TheChunkster]

Re: Joke Thread

I was dying while reading this:



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Absolutely priceless....I cried...oh by the way I live in Texas...

[countryboy]

Re: Joke Thread

A little boy is wanting to take the family dog for a walk. So he goes and asks his mother if he can take the dog for a walk.

Mother: "No honey, you can't. She's in heat."

Boy: "Whats in heat mean?"

Mother: "Go ask your father."

So the little boy walks out to the garage and asks his dad...


Boy: "Dad, I wanted to take the dog for a walk, but mom said I can't because she's in heat. What does that mean?"

Dad: "Its nothing for you to concern yourself with. Just bring the dog in here."

The little boy brings the dog to his father and the father grabs a rag, pours gasoline on it, and wipes the dog's butt with it.

Dad: " Ok, now you can take her for a walk."

The little boy gleefully takes the dog for a walk and returns home about 20 minutes later without the dog.

Dad: "Where's the dog?"

Boy: "Well dad, about a two blocks away from the house, she ran out of gas. But don't worry dad, there is another dog trying to push her home."

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

A little boy is wanting to take the family dog for a walk. So he goes and asks his mother if he can take the dog for a walk.

Mother: "No honey, you can't. She's in heat."

Boy: "Whats in heat mean?"

Mother: "Go ask your father."

So the little boy walks out to the garage and asks his dad...


Boy: "Dad, I wanted to take the dog for a walk, but mom said I can't because she's in heat. What does that mean?"

Dad: "Its nothing for you to concern yourself with. Just bring the dog in here."

The little boy brings the dog to his father and the father grabs a rag, pours gasoline on it, and wipes the dog's butt with it.

Dad: " Ok, now you can take her for a walk."

The little boy gleefully takes the dog for a walk and returns home about 20 minutes later without the dog.

Dad: "Where's the dog?"

Boy: "Well dad, about a two blocks away from the house, she ran out of gas. But don't worry dad, there is another dog trying to push her home."

lmao... nice!

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

A father watched his darling young daughter playing in the
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and
pure his sweet little girl was. He thought about her seeing
the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went over to her to see what work of God had captured
her attention. He noticed she was looking at two
spiders mating.

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Long-legs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question,
he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long-legs.'

The darling little princess, looking a little puzzled, thought for
a moment, Then took her foot and stomped them flat and
said, 'Well, we're not having any of that
Broke back-Mountain **** in our garden.'