Joke Thread

[MJ23]

Re: Joke Thread

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"



P.S i did not make this up

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"



P.S i did not make this up

what an idiot.

[MJ23]

Re: Joke Thread

A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter "T" on it setting on her desk. She asks: "My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?"

Little girl in the front row replies: "I did teacher."

The teacher asks: "What does the letter "T" stand for?"

"Teacher", she replies.

The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters "TT" on it.

"My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?"

Little boy in the back row says: "I did."

"Why thank you, but what do the letters "TT" stand for?"

"To Teacher", he replies.

A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters "****" on it.

She asks: "Who brought this watermelon in?"

A little black boy in the center of the class replies: "Why i did teacher".

"Why thank you very much. We'll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?", she asks in a upset tone.

"Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids..."

[MJ23]

Re: Joke Thread

There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Jimmy said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Jimmy, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Jimmy replied, ",Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Jimmy said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the **** out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his **** out. How about that!"

[MJ23]

Re: Joke Thread

This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!" "It's gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter "T" on it setting on her desk. She asks: "My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?"

Little girl in the front row replies: "I did teacher."

The teacher asks: "What does the letter "T" stand for?"

"Teacher", she replies.

The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters "TT" on it.

"My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?"

Little boy in the back row says: "I did."

"Why thank you, but what do the letters "TT" stand for?"

"To Teacher", he replies.

A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters "****" on it.

She asks: "Who brought this watermelon in?"

A little black boy in the center of the class replies: "Why i did teacher".

"Why thank you very much. We'll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?", she asks in a upset tone.

"Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids..."

[Catman24]

Re: Joke Thread

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Here's and oldie, but goodie:

On a Monday, a fourth grade class' teacher who was not fond of her class all that much decided to go hard on them and present a proposition: "I'll ask the class one question at the end of each day. If anyone in the class gets the answer, the entire class can have the next day off. But, if you miss it, you will all get a one day detention immediately after school." As promised, at the end of the day the teacher announces, "okay, here is your question for today.....what is the average rainfall for the month of March in the Amazon basin?" Stupified, the students all looked at each other and prepared for detention. On Tuesday, the teacher asked at day's end, "what is the exact land mass of the 3rd island west of Hawaii?" Helpless, the students prepared yet again for another detention. Wednesday produced no different results. On Thursday, one of the boys who sat in the back of the classroom decided to come prepared. He had brought in a half dozen ping pong balls that he colored with a black Sharpie and placed them in his pocket. Toward the end of day, the teacher announced, "okay class, it is time for your question of the day......" Right at this point, the little boy retrieves all the ping pong balls and secretly rolls them up toward the front of the class resting near the teacher's feet. Angrily, the teacher bellows out, "OKAY, WHO'S THE COMEDIAN WITH THE BLACK BALLS?" The little boy shouts back, "Chris Rock! We'll see ya Monday!"

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

:y4:

Nice.

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, "prove you're you." The genius scribbles out a complicated mathematical formula and derives it. "Go
in," says St. Peter

Picasso dies and goes to heaven. "Prove you're you," says St. Peter. Picasso creates a unique masterpiece on the spot. "Go in," says St. Peter

George W. Bush dies and goes to heaven. "Prove you're you," says St. Peter. "Why should I have to do that? says George. "You're not the only one the has to prove your identity," says St. Peter, "Einstein and Picasso also had to do so." "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" asks Bush.
"Go in," says St. Peter.

[TheGamingChef]

Re: Joke Thread

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says, "prove you're you." The genius scribbles out a complicated mathematical formula and derives it. "Go
in," says St. Peter

Picasso dies and goes to heaven. "Prove you're you," says St. Peter. Picasso creates a unique masterpiece on the spot. "Go in," says St. Peter

George W. Bush dies and goes to heaven. "Prove you're you," says St. Peter. "Why should I have to do that? says George. "You're not the only one the has to prove your identity," says St. Peter, "Einstein and Picasso also had to do so." "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" asks Bush.
"Go in," says St. Peter.

HA lmao

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

Ouch, hahahahaha.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Reminds me of a classic "meet St. Peter" joke:

A luxury liner had an unfortunate mishap a sea and claimed the lives of hundreds of couples on a romantic voyage. The couples had to line up together to meet St. Peter and determine if they could enter the pearly gates as a couple. After several couples had already made their way in, St. Peter turned to the next in line and stated, "Charles, I'm sorry, but your infatuation with money was so deep-seeded in your soul, you even married a woman named "Penny". I cannot allow in." Dejected, the couple made their way in the other direction. The next couple approached St. Peter. He looked upon them with sad eyes and uttered, "Rob, it grieves me to tell you that unfortunately your appetite for alcohol is so ingrained in your being, that you even married a woman named "Sherry". I cannot allow you to pass. At this point, the next guy in line looked at his wife and said, "well Fanny, let's turn around and start walkin' now!"

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread

:y4: That's good.

[Stormyhog]

Re: Joke Thread

Who holds the record for most balls to the head? Liberace