My Wifes Fat Sister and other holiday disasters

[Brandwin]

Quote: Originally Posted by WatsonTiger

Since we're swapping stories....i guess i'll post mine Were visiting family in Waco. Tradition is we hang lights and then go somewhere "fun" (as fun as Waco can be). My Aunt catches a bad flu and my dad and uncle go to some museum leaving me to put up Christmas lights on my aunts house with my mom's help, which is not much. My mom told me about this thing at the beginning of December. To be honest I had forgotten all about it until the night before. I did not want to go. Call me a scrooge but riding around looking at electricity captured in colored bulbs is not my idea of entertainment. However, the kids were looking forward to it and apparently at some point I had agreed to do it. This little tour got us for 6 bucks a head. My mom, her parents, my 3 siblings and I all went. Now I'm a math major but that’s $48 to ride around in a trolley and look at lights. WTF? (I found this out the day of) So we drive all the way the hell to downtown Waco and sit and wait for this trolley to take us on the tour. They’ve got a tree, Santa, hot cocoa…all that jazz. Finally all the trolleys roll up and Shaquandra our official Christmas lights tour guide hops out and says “Y’all goin’ to look at the lights?....(pause) Okay ‘den let’s get our roll on” My initial gripe is that the bitch is driving at mach speed and you can’t see a damn thing but a blurry- Santa and the occasional Wal-Mart $9.99 wire light-up reindeer. My grandpa asks if she could slow down a bit so that we could take pictures and appreciate the lights a little more..(his words not mine). By this time I’ve already leaned over and said, “ $48 for this?” ….Mom and Grandma give me the obligatory elbow and “stop being like that”. We roll along for about 15 minutes looking at every tacky piece of **** overkill light extravaganza in East Waco. Suddenly we get on the highway and start heading to the other side of town. We ride for a good 12-15 minutes without seeing a single damn house decorated. So I lean over to the mom again and say “umm where the hell are we going?”. Elbow “shut up” and all that again. Shaquandra has Mariah Carey’s Christmas cd blasting and we’re just “gettin’ our roll on”. ……………………..and then it happened. Signs and streets started to look really familiar. My oldest sister says “hey there’s HEB.” As in the HEB right down the road from my aunts house (approx. 1/2 mile) I lean over to the sister and say….”This bitch better not turn right at this light” What does the driver do????? That’s right folks…turns right and heads right to my aunts neighborhood. Not only my aunts neighborhood…BUT HER DAMN STREET!! I am just at a loss for words by this point. I cannot believe this is happening. Street after street, house after house for a good 30 minutes. The driver is going on and on about “oooh like over thurr…look at the Santa up on the roof kids”…….I know Shaquanda …I'M THE ONE THAT ****ING PUT HIS FAT *** UP THERE THIS MORNING. The point is…. We spent almost $50 to look at the Christmas lights in my aunts own damn neighborhood. My mom just hung her head in shame. Me and my Dad will be in charge of Christmas spirit next year thank you very much.

YES! My job a few years back offered the trolley light extravaganza, but it was free. We too, had Santa, Hot coco etc.. the whole 9 yards (I was telling my wife this story just Friday night) We might have had the same driver as she was driving so fast and yes, through East Waco, the worst part of Waco. That's hilarious you ended up in your aunts neighborhood. They had where you could stand outside the trolley and look at the lights, but she was driving so fast there was no way I was going to stand out there.

That's crazy, that out of all the people on here, we both had the same experience on the trolley ride.

BTW, I don't remember this thread, but the stories were top notch.

Quote: Originally Posted by VTPack919

Reminds me of the time I was working electronics at K-mart as a summer job. I am sitting at the counter, minding my own business, trying to pass the time until college football came out. When I see the cutest little 2 or three year old come walking in with his father. I lose track of them and check someone out. After the transaction i spot the father looking down the back of the kids shorts, I think nothing of it. Then I notice it. A nice little **** patty laying there on the grown, all mustard-brown in color. I don't panic, I remain calm. I went over to the garden where my brother was working and asked him to tell me what he saw over by the fireworks. He came back and informed me that some had indeed shat in the store. As an aside, I must say, the kid picked the right store to **** in, it was K-mart. If I was working at Target I might have been offended, but everyone who has worked at K-mart knows you have to have a certain mindset. "Okay, I am going to work at K-mart today, I better prepare myself mentally for some off the wall stuff." As I get back to my counter I call the manager, I'm not getting paid enough and the job sucked enough already so she said to put a cart over it and that she would send someone to do it. Before I could get over there, a woman in some nice white sandles steps in it. She slides about a yard all on one foot, miraculously not falling over. I expected her to turn around and freak out when she found out what she stepped in, but she just looked back, shrugged and kept going. This woman must not have been a stranger to stepping in ****, she took it all in stride. When I bring the cart over I noticed that this nice half pound crap patty is not the only one, but there are a series of smaller ones all the way up into the bathroom door. I follow them and decide to take a peek inside as my curiosity was at an all time K-mart high. I took a deep breath and swung open the door. In retrospect, this is where I wish I had just thrown down the name badge and left. It looked like I had found the holy grail of fecal disasters. My mind swirled as I tried to peice together what could have caused this to happen, like a detective at the scene of the murder. I could not come to a conclusion. Was this kid a dookie filled grenade? Was he still alive? Is he still in here somewhere? Could this be a terrorist attack? I had so many questions and no answers were there to be found. The discarded diaper lay strewn in the corner. It stood no chance. A mere finger in the dike holding back and ocean of diarrhea. The was not one part of this bathroom that was not effected. The sink, mirror, stall, toilet, a-typical bathroom portrait of a random landscape, everything was covered in this henious up-heaval of intestinal bile. I almost collapsed as I am sure the air was more methane at this point than oxygen. I had to get out. It was divine intervention that the only thing that survived the Hollocaust of crap was the door handle. I got out of there and never used that bathroom again. I was scarred. No amount of mister clean or hydrochloric acid could ever rid that bathroom of it's horrible past. I still to this day can not think of a scenario in which this could have taken place. I hope the kid was alright becuase three laxitives, a plate of deviled egss, and a sack of taco bell couldn't cause the sheer amount of product this kid put all over the place. The amount of coverage was also amazing. It was as if the father stood in the center of the bathroom and spun 360 degress holding his kid like a flamethrower covering the bathroom until he saw fit. Worst day of my life.

This is the greatest post of all time, hands down.

And yes, "was it a terrorist attack?" may be the greatest sentence ever written on OS.

Bravo

[jeremym480]

Quote: Originally Posted by VTPack919

When I bring the cart over I noticed that this nice half pound crap patty is not the only one, but there are a series of smaller ones all the way up into the bathroom door. I follow them and decide to take a peek inside as my curiosity was at an all time K-mart high. I took a deep breath and swung open the door. In retrospect, this is where I wish I had just thrown down the name badge and left. It looked like I had found the holy grail of fecal disasters. My mind swirled as I tried to peice together what could have caused this to happen, like a detective at the scene of the murder. I could not come to a conclusion. Was this kid a dookie filled grenade? Was he still alive? Is he still in here somewhere? Could this be a terrorist attack? I had so many questions and no answers were there to be found. The discarded diaper lay strewn in the corner. It stood no chance. A mere finger in the dike holding back and ocean of diarrhea.

Classic!! LMAO!!

[55]

Legend.

[BlueNGold]

Quote: Originally Posted by TheMatrix31

In honor of how amazing this thread was, I'm bumping it so everyone can read it. Last post was two years ago to the day!

Thank you.

LMFAO @ VTPack & Turbo_Squish. I'm still dying at how ironic it is that Turbo_Squish is the guy's screen name.

[~LiverpoolRed~]

Quote: Originally Posted by VTPack919

everything was covered in this henious up-heaval of intestinal bile.

[SuperBowlNachos]

Last Christmas I was depressed over a girl(original I know). Everyone in my family aunts, uncles everyone goes to my grandmas christmas eve. Her cabinets are filled to the brim with liquor so it's whatever you want, go to town have fun. My family is not shy about that. I start off with a random mix drink. No biggy, I'm not a heavy drinker(which hurts me in the end). Just having fun opening presents. We do a white elephant gift exchange which is fun and all.

Well people start to leave around 11, I go sit up at the bar where my alcoholic cousin is serving drinks. I've had a couple 7 and 7s and other various drinks. This is where the depression comes in. All of a sudden I have downed a few shots of crown and cranberry. A few more later and I am out of it, happy I have drank my depression away. Next thing I know, I am puking into a punch bowl that arrived only after I puked all over the floor which caused a combination of sausage, tamales and noodles to splatter all over my grandma.

I will surely be made fun of this upcoming Christmas eve. But the joke is on them, we will for sure use the same punch bowl that we did last year!

[jnofx]

Quote: Originally Posted by WatsonTiger

Okay ‘den let’s get our roll on”

That part just cracked me up man. You just know that statement is going to be the beginning of a crappy tour. Very professional of Shaquandra. Did you just refer to her as Shaq-daddy for the remainder of the tour? You should have asked her for your cut of the cash since you decorated the "grand finale" of her bull **** tour. Good move with you and the old man taking the reins this year. Happier Holidays, mi amigo!