Deepest, darkest secrets you're willing to share about yourself

[shugknight]

Don't know how many times I've seen this thread and wanted to post my secret, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to post it. But I'm hoping by posting this, I can get help from others.

I did a lot of dumb things when I was younger, but I did one thing that has affected my future so much, I don't know where to go anymore. After high school, I didn't go to college. After a few years working, I was finally persuaded by my family to go to a technical school to pursue something better. I didn't want to go and I didn't know how ready I was to do something like this, but peer pressure got to me and I went.

The first month it went fine, but then I developed some sort of anxiety/panic attacks. And I was afraid to go to class. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't make any friends, and I felt like in the back of my head that I didn't fit in with the rest of the kids at the school. I just felt like the black sheep of the entire school, and it got to the point that when I did go to class, I was really nervous and felt my heart racing a million beats a second. After dealing with that for a few weeks, I decided to skip a class.. Then another.. then another. Next thing I know, I'm basically not going to school, missing weeks after weeks of class.

The school, being as small as it was, never decided to call me about the path I was heading towards, and it certainly didn't kick me out. So I accrued the tuition for an associates degree, without ever getting the degree.

Being ignorant, stupid, dumb, whatever you want to call it.. I never bothered dropping out from the school either. so after 2 years, they finally "kicked me out" Soon after I was scheduled to pay my financial aid, and this is where the trouble began. I tried to pay it every month, but the bills started piling up and it lead me to a choice I had to make of either paying the electricity or my loans. I chose the former. I would still file a forbearance to try and stop the calls coming..

Once I would be able to save enough to pay my current balance, I would. But then the next month's statement would come in and it would be double what I would have normally paid. So once again, I couldn't pay it, forbearance, and repeat the cycle. This got to me, and finally, after stupid decision after stupid decision, I said forget it. My credit is already ruined, I'm going to stop paying.

Fast forward 5 years later, and I haven't paid my student loans. I'm afraid to answer my calls for the fear of a debt collector asking me for money. 2 months ago they started to garnish my paycheck.

It wouldn't be a big deal if I was just talking about myself, but 15 months ago I recently had a beautiful baby girl. And this girl has thought me to grow up, and has matured me into becoming or trying to become more responsible. Unfortunately, I can't fix my past mistakes. And now I'm stuck where I am now and I don't know what to do.

I'm working a good job, that pays well, but with the wage garnishments and my $2000 a month daycare fees, I'm struggling every month on saving money. I want to save up to buy a house for my family, but it's so hard. I really don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any advice? Financial counselor? Bankruptcy (which I heard was impossible)? Anything?

It's sad to think that everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would be if I could take the day back and never signed up for college/financial aid. PM me if you like. I just don't what to do anymore.

[wwharton]

I know this isn't an advice thread and thank everybody for sharing, but I did want to reply to these two posts...

Quote: Originally Posted by DamnYanks2

I can't ever relax. I can't seem to be just content, similar to what you said Baumy. I have serious anxiety issues, but never been diagnosed, My mind is my worst enemy. It started with losing my dad to a stroke at 18, and my brother to a car crash. My sense of security, My whole invincibility thing shattered. I got angry, and missed out on some of the better moments of my life, because I was so angry all the time. That anger turned into depression, and then back into anger, so much that it could happen in a blink of an eye, something that some one would say to me, that I would have laughed at before, turned into something that would set me off like that. I used to have the greatest tolerance in the world. So that was such a change. Then that anger and depression and stress about paying off Dad's hospital bills and nursing home bills. Turned into anxiety. It's my sense of security it's just gone, and then I started worrying about stupid stuff. I wondered what would happen next. Would one of my close friends get killed in a car crash, which one of my older relatives was gonna die next. Stupid stuff, but it just took it's toll on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about the negative. My life was perfect, I was content, I was working, going to school, playing ball, met a great girl and then the stroke happened, and it just shattered me, every good thing I believed in, it all ended. I took it so hard. And truthfully I have never been the same. I have so many doubts now. And I'm pretty down about life now, it changed my perception real quick. I should add that my dad did not die from the stroke. He landed in a nursing home, but it destroyed his memory and blinded him. It was just so hard to see a man that was so sharp and so intelligent turn into that. I know I'm lucky he's still alive, but it's just not the same, the man I used to talk baseball with, and sports, and everything else, just isn't there mentally now. He's a different person, and I can't get over it. I've slowly come back, I'm more positive now, and I think I have alot of the old me back, but my mind still wanders, and I can't stop thinking about the past, and the things I could have done. And I still get randomly angry when I think of how everything ended it up. Life is cruel as hell.

Just want to tell you that the future will never be the same as the past, no matter how great or bad either is. With such big events hitting you hard you probably gloss over all the life lessons you've learned and how much better prepared you probably are to move forward and raise/take care of your family. I doubt those feelings you have will ever completely go away or that you ever get BACK to the person you want to be. But just try to focus on how the trying times helped you become who you are now and the good about that.

Quote: Originally Posted by shugknight

Don't know how many times I've seen this thread and wanted to post my secret, but I was too ashamed and embarrassed to post it. But I'm hoping by posting this, I can get help from others. I did a lot of dumb things when I was younger, but I did one thing that has affected my future so much, I don't know where to go anymore. After high school, I didn't go to college. After a few years working, I was finally persuaded by my family to go to a technical school to pursue something better. I didn't want to go and I didn't know how ready I was to do something like this, but peer pressure got to me and I went. The first month it went fine, but then I developed some sort of anxiety/panic attacks. And I was afraid to go to class. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't make any friends, and I felt like in the back of my head that I didn't fit in with the rest of the kids at the school. I just felt like the black sheep of the entire school, and it got to the point that when I did go to class, I was really nervous and felt my heart racing a million beats a second. After dealing with that for a few weeks, I decided to skip a class.. Then another.. then another. Next thing I know, I'm basically not going to school, missing weeks after weeks of class. The school, being as small as it was, never decided to call me about the path I was heading towards, and it certainly didn't kick me out. So I accrued the tuition for an associates degree, without ever getting the degree. Being ignorant, stupid, dumb, whatever you want to call it.. I never bothered dropping out from the school either. so after 2 years, they finally "kicked me out" Soon after I was scheduled to pay my financial aid, and this is where the trouble began. I tried to pay it every month, but the bills started piling up and it lead me to a choice I had to make of either paying the electricity or my loans. I chose the former. I would still file a forbearance to try and stop the calls coming.. Once I would be able to save enough to pay my current balance, I would. But then the next month's statement would come in and it would be double what I would have normally paid. So once again, I couldn't pay it, forbearance, and repeat the cycle. This got to me, and finally, after stupid decision after stupid decision, I said forget it. My credit is already ruined, I'm going to stop paying. Fast forward 5 years later, and I haven't paid my student loans. I'm afraid to answer my calls for the fear of a debt collector asking me for money. 2 months ago they started to garnish my paycheck. It wouldn't be a big deal if I was just talking about myself, but 15 months ago I recently had a beautiful baby girl. And this girl has thought me to grow up, and has matured me into becoming or trying to become more responsible. Unfortunately, I can't fix my past mistakes. And now I'm stuck where I am now and I don't know what to do. I'm working a good job, that pays well, but with the wage garnishments and my $2000 a month daycare fees, I'm struggling every month on saving money. I want to save up to buy a house for my family, but it's so hard. I really don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice? Financial counselor? Bankruptcy (which I heard was impossible)? Anything? It's sad to think that everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would be if I could take the day back and never signed up for college/financial aid. PM me if you like. I just don't what to do anymore.

This is a vicious cycle man, trust me I know all about the student loans game. There are probably people more equipped to give advice than me (and any of you can correct me if this is wrong) but I'd say just pay SOMETHING. Even if you can't pay all that they're asking, consistently paying something on your loans will help your credit and continue to put a dent in the overall balance. You may even be able to talk them into only requiring a lesser amount (would take longer to pay off, of course, but that's clearly not a worry right now).

You've dug yourself into a deep hole... but it is a hole, not a bottomless pit. You CAN climb out, even if you can't see the top right now.

[shugknight]

Quote: Originally Posted by wwharton

This is a vicious cycle man, trust me I know all about the student loans game. There are probably people more equipped to give advice than me (and any of you can correct me if this is wrong) but I'd say just pay SOMETHING. Even if you can't pay all that they're asking, consistently paying something on your loans will help your credit and continue to put a dent in the overall balance. You may even be able to talk them into only requiring a lesser amount (would take longer to pay off, of course, but that's clearly not a worry right now). You've dug yourself into a deep hole... but it is a hole, not a bottomless pit. You CAN climb out, even if you can't see the top right now.

Thanks for the words of encouragement man. I do want to start paying, but I don't know where to start. Should I call the collectors and work out a deal with them or should I contact a financial adviser to have them sort the mess out and possibly help reduce the monthly payments?

Sometimes I just have to scream out F.M.L.

[slickdtc]

That's a lesson my dad preaches to me, pay something. Sounds like you've done that, willingly or not. I've forbeared on my loan too. It's not much but I hope in the meantime I can get to a better place financially. Your story is a cautionary tale. The longer you drawl it out, the worse it becomes. Then you add in the fear of embarrassment and humiliation when facing the situation. Putting stuff off always ends up screwing you, done it plenty of times and still learn from time to time so I'm not preaching at you when I've been there and am still a bit there.

Just map out a financial plan and see what you can afford. It's stress relieving when you break it down step by step and not look at it as one gigantic never ending mess. One step, one day at a time.

[buickbeast]

Quote: Originally Posted by shugknight

Does anyone have any advice? Financial counselor? Bankruptcy (which I heard was impossible)? Anything? It's sad to think that everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would be if I could take the day back and never signed up for college/financial aid. PM me if you like. I just don't what to do anymore.

I googled "debit is erased after" and came up with this:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...6071017AAwA1Kz

If I was you, I would see the finical consular at your school, or set up an appt with your school's best Economic professor

[buickbeast]

The only time a firearm has ever jammed on me was when I tried to off myself while stationed in Iraq.

My roommate of nearly 3 years is also an ex, we dated for a about a year. I still don't know how we're great at being each others' rommmates, but we argue a LOT less haha. Well, about 18 months ago we were partying. We broke up a few weeks ago, but we're still FWB a few times a week. Both of us are pretty wasted, one thing leads to another and you know.
She "comes around" when we're in the middle of it and freaks out like only a girl can freak out. Throwin' crap, sayin' this and that then storms out, driving drunk somewhere. I was a full time student at the time with a PT job, my grades weren't great and earlier that week, I was tryin to light a fire under my dad's ###. He suffers from schizophrenia, I'm an only child and my next closest living relative is a 3rd cousin. Well, I gave him a choice to either seek help or this father/son relationship is not goin survive. He's been homeless in the same town I live in for over a year now. Dropping your schizophrenic father off at the homeless shelter sucks.

Well at that point in my life, I had had enough. I downed a half bottle of NyQuil, 3 or 4 shots of whiskey, grabbed the bottle of Advil and found my Desert Eagle. I was takin' a couple Advil pills every few minutes so I wouldn't throw them all up. I was goin drive the few miles to the local Police Station, call 911 and tell them what type of car to look for.

I couldn't find my keys. There was no way in hell that I was goin take the chance of her coming back and seeing me after I pulled the trigger. Our apt was at the end of a long winding road w/ nothing else on it. I was also good friends with our neighbors.

I didn't want the people that I cared about, not to be able to drive down their road. I'm sure it would have always been in the back of their minds. I've never done anything harder than weed, so the NyQuil and booze were hitting me hard. I vaguely remember seeing flashes of weird ****

I threw up what I could, laid a towel down and curled up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor.

[DamnYanks2]

Thanks wwharton, I think it's so stupid to obsess about the past, but I can't help it. It was a time that was just so easy going and comfortable, and now it's just not fun.

Life is just not as fun and not as spectacular, when people that you loved are not a part of it anymore, it loses that luster. My dad was like a best friend to me. My brother was an Iraq vet. He survived bomb blasts and bullets whizzing past him daily, only to die in a car accident when he came back to the states. How is that even possible? You would think after everything he survived, that he was still here for a reason. That really shook me. I mean, he watched a buddy get blown up next to him, and he wasn't hit, and then for that to happen. It's just bull****.

But your right, It definitely opened my eyes, and matured me quickly. I've definitely learned alot from it and life in general.

[cjonesfan921]

DY, my father had a stroke in Dec of 2007..I was 19 at the time. Pretty much the same situation, he is disabled ever since.

I learned a lot, but it wasn't without tough times. Life was a struggle between trying to balance so many dif things. I had a ridiculous amount of CC debt..about 5-6K that wasn't moving because I needed the money.

However, the only reason I really needed it, is because I developed a drinking habit. I worked about 50 hrs a week and went to school full time..but still found time to drink weekends away.

I look back and cringe. There is nothing wrong with drinking, but I feel disappointed that I used it as an escape.

I've made peace with it, and just try to live every day by embracing the fact that my father is still here with me. I lost two uncles in the past year...which again taught me to embrace the people you love while they're here, regardless of the state they are in.

I owe the man I've become today to the experiences I went through.