Joke Thread

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

[Laettner32]

Re: Joke Thread

A couple are taking a stroll along the banks of a small lake. After walking awhile, they see an attractive blonde on the other side. The man yells out "Excuse me, how do you get to the other side of the lake?".. The blonde responds, "Idiot! You are on the other side of the lake!"

[countryboy]

Re: Joke Thread

A couple are taking a stroll along the banks of a small lake. After walking awhile, they see an attractive blonde on the other side. The man yells out "Excuse me, how do you get to the other side of the lake?".. The blonde responds, "Idiot! You are on the other side of the lake!"

nice

[Laettner32]

Re: Joke Thread

Remembered another...

A hospital official was giving a tour to an Inspector. Near the end of the tour, they are walking down a hall, a door is open and a patient is sitting in a chair masturbating. The inspector is horrified and ask the official what is going on. "The man suffers from a rare condition, his penis will explode if he doesn't "relieve" himself every 3 hours. Shocked, the Inspector lets it go and keeps walking. The next door, a patient is sitting at the edge of his bed while a young nurse has her head buried in his lap. The Inspector is disgusted and ask the official to explain this situation. "Well, he has the same condition as the previous patient, but this guy has better health insurance."

[Laettner32]

Re: Joke Thread

What's the difference between a Priest, and acne?


Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he's a teenager.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

A man wearing a Richard Nixon mask approaches a bank with a gun, holding everybody up in the bank. As he draws the weapon, his mask falls off and he quickly puts it on again. Then he looks to the man on his left and asks, "Did you see my face?" The man says, "Yes," and the robber shoots and kills him. Then he looks to the man on his right and asks, "Did you see my face?" And the man says, "No, but my wife did."

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

F**k!!! lmao

[Brandon13]

Re: Joke Thread

What's the difference between a Priest, and acne?


Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he's a teenager.

[countryboy]

Re: Joke Thread

What's the difference between a Priest, and acne?


Acne doesn't cum on a boys face until he's a teenager.

LMFAO

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Thought I posted this one earlier, but I guess not.....


A man found himself on trial for having caught and eaten our national symbol, an American bald eagle. It received a great deal of publicity, bringing many news reporters and protesting PETA members to the courthouse. On the last day of the trial, the judge was about to impart the sentence on the man, but granted him one final statement. The man humbly accepted this opportunity.

"Your honor, members of the jury. I don't think that I truly presented a clear picture of what led me to my circumstances which forced me to do this terrible act. Please allow me to clarify. You see, as a mountain climber, sometimes we get in life threatening situations. I hadn't eaten for days as I was lost and my provisions had run out. I was literally on my last breaths when this majestic creature landed next to me. In order to survive I had to do what was truly necessary. With my last bit of strength I grabbed this beautiful creature and thanked God for giving it to me. I mercifully killed it, making sure that it's death was swift and painless in order to give myself one last chance for survival. After ingesting the sustenance, I found myself revitalized and was able to put myself on the right path to descend the mountain. It was almost as if America itself had been watching out for me and saved one of its humble citizens!"

The judge, who was now wiping tears from his eyes, replied, "sir, that is the most amazing story I have ever heard. I'm truly glad you clarified this and after such an account of bravery and patriotism, I can only come to one verdict: you are free to go!"

Upon learning the verdict, the man, very pleased with this outcome, proceeded to the awaiting reporters outside the courtroom house with their numerous questions.

"How does it feel to be a free man today sir?"

"It feels great...it's great to be an American!"

"What's it like to be reunited with your family?"

"It's the best thing in the world, I never thought I'd see them again!"

"Many people are wondering, sir, what does an American bald eagle taste like?"

"Well..... I'd say it's a bit of a cross between a spotted owl and a manatee."

[Tha_Kid]

Re: Joke Thread

As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks.
First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

A man and a woman, who had never met before and were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
compartment on an overnight sleeper-train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the
cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.

"WOW!!! ......that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".

There was a stunned silen ce.
Then he farted.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

A man and a woman, who had never met before and were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
compartment on an overnight sleeper-train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower

At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you but could you reach into the
cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold up here".

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.

"WOW!!! ......that's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "get your own f**king blanket!".

There was a stunned silen ce.
Then he farted.