Joke Thread

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

Okay....stay with this one.....

3 steers, a young-un who's horns haven't budged through as of yet, a stud in his prime and an old-timer, are standing around the pastures talking one day when the old-timer steer says, "The rumor is that our owner is fixin' to bring in some big time, massive brahma bull to take over all the studdin' duties around here! Ya know... I've been around here a long time, and I ain't-a fixin' to let go of the few ladies that I have left....uh uh.... no way!" The prime stud kicked in adding, "that's right fellers, I've just come into my prime and I love my duties of satisfying the girls all over the barnyard. If he thinks he's gonna come in here and take over for all of us, he's got another thing comin'!" The young-un piped in saying, "that's right fellers, I'm with you. When I'm about ready to join in on the studdin' duties around here once my horns come through, I don't want no big lumox of a bull messin' things up for me!"

Just about then an over-sized animal transporter truck backs into the yard and immediately upon stopping, out the back busts through the largest, most ferocious brahma bull ever seen in those parts! "I'M HERE NOW," the bull bellowed out, "AND I'M HERE TO STAY! THIS IS MY LAND, THESE ARE ALL MY LADIES AND I DARE ANYONE TO TELL ME DIFFERENT!"

The old timer sheepishly uttered, "wellll, actually,.....I've had all I can really muster in my studdin' duties. Don't really need to be involved in that anymore." The prime stud chirped in adding, "ya know, I really don't find the girls around here attractive. I hope the owner gets my transfer papers set to that farm down the road." Just at this time these two looked over only to see the young bull sneering and snorting and clawin' his hoof at the ground in a challenging pose toward the monsterous brahma! They looked at him in disbelief and quickly the old-timer cried out, "BOY, ARE YOU CRAZY!! THAT BULL IS GONNA KNOCK YOU INTO TOMORROW!" The young-un called back, "Yeah, well whatever! I still want him to know that I'm a bull!":y4:

[dkgojackets]

Re: Joke Thread

huh

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

His horns hadn't came through yet... so he didn't want to be mistaken for a "lady".

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

Why does Santa have such a big sack?


Because he only comes once a year.

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

huh

It's not funny if someone has to 'splain it to ya! You shoulda gave it another minute.... hour.... day.... week..... before hitting reply. lol

[dkgojackets]

Re: Joke Thread

change "still" to "just" and it would make more sense

I was thinking when did he tell him the first time?

[Skyboxer]

Re: Joke Thread

Little Tommy was playing with his toy train in the dining room. He took the train all the way around stopped the train and said "All you sons of b's that want to get off, get off and all you sons of b's that want to get on, get on". After doing this for a few minutes his mother heard him and was outraged. She told Tommy to go to him room for 1 hr to think about his behavior.

After 1 hr his mother said he could go back to playing.

So Tommy took the train around, stopped the train and said "All you sons of b's that want to get off get off and all you sons of b's that want to get on get on, and if anyone want's to complain about the 1 hr delay, go talk to the bit#h in the kitchen."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

change "still" to "just" and it would make more sense

I was thinking when did he tell him the first time?

Wait.... "I JUST want him to know I'm a bull!"














You're right.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Joke Thread

Classic joke.....

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, so God asked Adam: "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your
clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache,
and will freely give you love and compassion whenever
needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

-----------------------------

Another GREAT one I read....


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[dkgojackets]

Re: Joke Thread

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[Skyboxer]

Re: Joke Thread

Another GREAT one I read....


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

Another GREAT one I read....


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

A man walked into a bar in Louisville , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ***!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country"

[skitch]

Re: Joke Thread



The last two were both good.

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."