Joke Thread

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to the local hardware store.

At the store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
while she was waiting for
Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked
"How much for the teapot?"

Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!"
Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe
The hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and
Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled,
"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

This is why you can't send a woman to the hardware store.

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.


The mechanical engineer said: "I think a rod broke."


The chemical engineer said: "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas."


The electrical engineer said: "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system."


All three turned to the computer engineer and said: "What do you think?"


The computer engineer said: "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

[Boltman]

Re: Joke Thread

My buddy who rents a room out from me swears up and down since his spinal surgery. That he is going mad on my living room couch, he decided to start writing jokes on sheets of paper.

One of em' was so damn funny, tell me OS'ers if it is indeed OG.

Here it is....


He says......


Me and my friends growing up in Frisco decided to start a gang...(he is a brother) we decided to call ourselves the Black Lords.....Then we ran into a Jewish gang that we ran with, they were called....................


The LandLords!


I laughed so damn hard when he told me this joke.

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mom!
It's the Twist! It's called the Twist!

[Boltman]

Re: Joke Thread

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mom!
It's the Twist! It's called the Twist!

LMAO! nice joke.

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him
in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear
all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw;
why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has
revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front
door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into
the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "Dammit, Mom!
It's the Twist! It's called the Twist!

hahahhahahahhahha

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain' and he hands Joe a huge jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says, and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
'All right, that’s enough, I'll do the dishes!!’

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

:y4: That was long, but funny.

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

Anyone heard any more lately?

[Acid]

Re: Joke Thread

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?




Because she was a woman.

[GSW]

Re: Joke Thread

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain' and he hands Joe a huge jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says, and in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way, right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,
'All right, that’s enough, I'll do the dishes!!’

ahaha that was funny

[jayo]

Re: Joke Thread

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

LOL!

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
- She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
- The bastard called back!

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
- They leave the plunger in the toilet.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
- They leave the plunger in the toilet.

Holy ****, that just hurt me!




Have you seen a picture of Hellen Keller's dad?
- Neither has she.

[Dame]

Re: Joke Thread

There is some funny jokes in this thread

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living **** out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry *** into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.

"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs