Joke Thread

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

With all of this superhero talk, I thought I'd tell this one....hope it's not a repeat:


Superman is flying around one day and notices on top of the JLA headquarters, Wonder Woman is doing some nude sunbathing. S'man thinks to himself, "hmmm, I'm Superman.... I could fly down there faster than a speeding bullet, do my business with super speed, and Wonder Woman wouldn't suspect a thing!" So, he proceeds with his plan and flys away just as fast. Superman says to himself, "that was great!" Wonder Woman says, "ohh, what was that!?!" And the Invisible Man says, "Man! My butt really hurts!"

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" No," I said. He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a $hit?"

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

More of a life lesson than a joke !

[Lordcledus]

Re: Joke Thread

What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand?

Quatro cinco

[Lordcledus]

Re: Joke Thread

Here's another...

What do you call an elevator full of white people?

A box of crackers

[CheesyPoofs58]

Re: Joke Thread

Warning: Lewdness

Ok so a guy is sitting on a bus. He looks over and there is this gorgeous nun sitting next to him. Nice hair, face, and you can tell she has a nice rack. So he leans over and asks her straight up if she wants to have sex with him. Well the nun, being a child of god, is nice and just tells him no. At the next stop she gets off the bus because she is creeped out.

The guy gets off the bus a few stops later. As he is getting off the bus, the bus driver says "hey you wanta know how to land that nun?". And the guy says "hell yea". The bus driver tells him that on tuesday nights she goes to this graveyard to visit a family member that died. He told him to put on a big cloak, paint his face neon green, and show up at the graveyard and tell her you are god and she will have sex with you.

So he goes to the graveyard, sees the nun, and tells her "I am god, have sex with me". Well the nun says "Well, ok. But I am saving my virginity in this life, so we can only do it anally." He says ok and they have anal sex.

When the guy is done, he stands up, rips off his cloak and says "Ha!! I'm the guy on the bus!" The nun stands up, rips off her cloak and says "Ha! I'm the bus driver!!!!"

[Admiral50]

Re: Joke Thread

Hahah!!!! Nice!!

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

The Celtics thought they were getting the #1 pick...

The End...

[X*Cell]

Re: Joke Thread

The Celtics thought they were getting the #1 pick...

The End...

Yes!!!

Joke was great in 1997, and it still is now!

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

The Celtics thought they were getting the #1 pick...

The End...

still a funny joke!

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[WTF]

Re: Joke Thread

:y4:

[GenoG]

Re: Joke Thread

ok, I need to stop reading joke websites...

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"


"I was out getting a tattoo."


"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."


"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"


"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.


Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.


"Well - she says, responding very carefully - I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."


The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"

[OSUG1]

Re: Joke Thread

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

Sarah explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license they'll throw us in jail...bad things will happen!

Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

For his 100th birthday, Vern's friends thought they would do him one last favor as who knows what next year holds. So they found the most voluptuous call girl and sent her to his house. She stood at the doorway dressed in an alluring outfit and rang the doorbell. After a few minutes, Vern answered the door, to which the girl with a huge smile on her face squeeked, "Your friends all chipped in for me and asked me to come over to give you super sex!"

In a shaky voice, Vern replied, "at my age, honey, if it's all the same to you....I'll take the soup!"