Joke Thread

[NYGMIA23]

Re: Joke Thread

This guy was driving down the road and on the side of the road he seen a sign that said Magic Apples so he stopped to check them out and asked the guy "Just what exactly are "Magic Apples?" "Well they are apples that taste like other fruits on each side.." He said "Here try this one.." The took it out of his hand and took a bite out of the first one and said "Wow this is amazing it tastes like a pear.." The guy said, "Now turn it around.." "Wow it taste like an orange.." The guy handed him another one and said "Now try this one.. The guy took a bite out of the next one and said... "Wow this tastes like a Plum.." He turned it around and it tasted like strawberry.. He said to the guy.. This is so amazing I can't believe this.. The guy looked at him and said now you wanna a try a special "magic apple" that I rarely let anyone try or even know i have.. The guy said yea sure what is it.. He went in to his truck and brought back one of the most delicious look apples he had ever seen.
He said now here try this one I'll give you a heads up he said it tastes like Pus5y.. The guy said wow i love eating pus5y.. He took a bite out of it and quickly spit the apple out of his mouth with a sick look on his face and said good god that taste like **** and the man said.. no no no turn it around

[Tmacattack]

Re: Joke Thread

Thought I posted this one earlier, but I guess not.....


A man found himself on trial for having caught and eaten our national symbol, an American bald eagle. It received a great deal of publicity, bringing many news reporters and protesting PETA members to the courthouse. On the last day of the trial, the judge was about to impart the sentence on the man, but granted him one final statement. The man humbly accepted this opportunity.

"Your honor, members of the jury. I don't think that I truly presented a clear picture of what led me to my circumstances which forced me to do this terrible act. Please allow me to clarify. You see, as a mountain climber, sometimes we get in life threatening situations. I hadn't eaten for days as I was lost and my provisions had run out. I was literally on my last breaths when this majestic creature landed next to me. In order to survive I had to do what was truly necessary. With my last bit of strength I grabbed this beautiful creature and thanked God for giving it to me. I mercifully killed it, making sure that it's death was swift and painless in order to give myself one last chance for survival. After ingesting the sustenance, I found myself revitalized and was able to put myself on the right path to descend the mountain. It was almost as if America itself had been watching out for me and saved one of its humble citizens!"

The judge, who was now wiping tears from his eyes, replied, "sir, that is the most amazing story I have ever heard. I'm truly glad you clarified this and after such an account of bravery and patriotism, I can only come to one verdict: you are free to go!"

Upon learning the verdict, the man, very pleased with this outcome, proceeded to the awaiting reporters outside the courtroom house with their numerous questions.

"How does it feel to be a free man today sir?"

"It feels great...it's great to be an American!"

"What's it like to be reunited with your family?"

"It's the best thing in the world, I never thought I'd see them again!"

"Many people are wondering, sir, what does an American bald eagle taste like?"

"Well..... I'd say it's a bit of a cross between a spotted owl and a manatee."

Call me an idiot, but, I'm not American, so I don't think I fully get this joke.

[Blzer]

Re: Joke Thread

Call me an idiot, but, I'm not American, so I don't think I fully get this joke.

The guy is a sadistic carnivore. He pretty much eats anything and everything, and got away with his sap story.

[TheGamingChef]

Re: Joke Thread

Call me an idiot, but, I'm not American, so I don't think I fully get this joke.

Spotted owls and manatees are protected creatures as well.

[Tmacattack]

Re: Joke Thread

Spotted owls and manatees are protected creatures as well.

Got it, thanks to you and Blzer

[Splitter77]

Re: Joke Thread

What two animals are the sexiest on the farm??





















brown chicken brown cow

[ManiacMatt1782]

Re: Joke Thread

Note: Read Bill Clintons response imagining his voice.


Bill Clinton sat on the White House lawn with 2 Secret Service agents standing guard. One of the agents notices a pair of womens panties tied around his arm. The 2 secret service agents talk about this amongst one another until one gets the courage to ask the him about the panties on his arm.

"Mr. President", the secret service man asked. "Are you aware there is a pair of women's underwear on your arm?" to which President Clinton replied, "It's the patch, I'm tryin' to quit."

[Bobolini]

Re: Joke Thread


Good!

[Munkey]

Re: Joke Thread

Lets bump this back up =)

Dave was at the market and while there he heard a merchant yell out:

"Selling dam fish! Selling dam fish!"

Out of curiosity, Dave walked up to him and asked,

"Why are you calling it a damn fish?"

The merchant replied,

"Well, because I caught it from the dam"

Dave : Oh, well sorry then...I guess I'll buy one

So Dave brings the fish home and tells his wife to cook that dam fish

His wife snapped, "What?"

Dave : It's a dam fish because it was caught in the dam

Then his wife said, "Uh...okay then"

so during dinner Dave asked "Can you pass the dam fish?"

Then his son said "That's the way to go dad! Now pass the f****** potatoes"

[Jerbear]

Re: Joke Thread

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[Brandwin]

Re: Joke Thread

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[Scott]

Re: Joke Thread

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

Haha gross..

[TheMatrix31]

Re: Joke Thread

That was so disgusting, especially while eating!

[baumy300]

Re: Joke Thread

There was this blind guy who walked into a lumber yard and started picking up different types of wood and smelling them. The lumberyard owner became curious and asked him what he was doing. "I can't see what I'm buying, so I've trained myself to smell what I'm buying. Specifically with wooden items" says the blind guy. The lumberyard bet the blind man he couldn't guess all of the wood in the store and the owner held up a piece of wood and asked the blind man to smell it.

"Mohagany" says the blind mind.

The owner held up another pice of wood.

"Birch" says the blind man. So this goes on for quite a while until the lumber yard owner starts to get frustrated. He goes over to his wife and asks her remove her panties. She obliges and hands them to her husband.

The lumberyard owner ran the panties under the blind mans face and let him get a good whiff of them. The blind man looked awe struck, but asked for a second smell. The lumberyard owner said "Well, what have you got now, smart guy?" to which the blind man replied "Well, it took me a minute, but that wood more than likely came from the s*** house door of a tuna boat."

The lumber yard owner paid the blind man his bet.

[baumy300]

Re: Joke Thread

There were 3 generations of hookers standing on their respective corner one night. There was the grandmother, the mother, and the daughter.

The daughter started the conversation by saying "Man, tonight was sure slow. I had to end up giving a blow job for $75."

The mother laughed and said "Sweetie, when I was younger I gave them for $25 and not a cent more."

The grandmother shook her head and the other two hookers and replied "You two are spoiled if you think that those amounts are not respectable. In my day we gave the blow jobs just so we could have something warm in our stomachs."