Worst Day of MY Life

[bnb]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

grief hits us at the strangest times. after losing my father to suicide ten years ago, i couldn't even walk past the camping gear aisle in walmart for over a year without ending up on the floor crying. it was two years before i could look at his picture. i would have days where i felt normal again only to have some small thing i wasn't expecting trigger a wave of grief. i had to excuse myself from gatherings so i didn't start crying for no reason and ruin everyone's night. it was so FRUSTRATING to not feel like i was able to move on from it. that man was my best friend in the world and the best father ever!

i'm certainly not trying to hijack your thread. while our situations are certainly very different, grief seems to have it's similarities. be wary that the bad days will hit you without warning, sometimes years after, and they'll hit hard. they'll mock you, they'll make you feel like you'll never get better, but you will. the good days WILL start to outweigh the bad. but when those bad days hit, and you end up in a ball on the floor, stay there. cry until you feel like you're done. pound the floor and scream. grieve and heal!

after reading this thread, i think you've done a marvelous job reaching out for help and not taking a darker path.

my hat is off to you OS for being there for bullit!

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

grief hits us at the strangest times. after losing my father to suicide ten years ago, i couldn't even walk past the camping gear aisle in walmart for over a year without ending up on the floor crying. it was two years before i could look at his picture. i would have days where i felt normal again only to have some small thing i wasn't expecting trigger a wave of grief. i had to excuse myself from gatherings so i didn't start crying for no reason and ruin everyone's night. it was so FRUSTRATING to not feel like i was able to move on from it. that man was my best friend in the world and the best father ever!

i'm certainly not trying to hijack your thread. while our situations are certainly very different, grief seems to have it's similarities. be wary that the bad days will hit you without warning, sometimes years after, and they'll hit hard. they'll mock you, they'll make you feel like you'll never get better, but you will. the good days WILL start to outweigh the bad. but when those bad days hit, and you end up in a ball on the floor, stay there. cry until you feel like you're done. pound the floor and scream. grieve and heal!

after reading this thread, i think you've done a marvelous job reaching out for help and not taking a darker path.

my hat is off to you OS for being there for bullit!

Thanks for the kind words. This is definitely the hardest, darkest and longest road that I have had to walk in my life. Some days it is very hard to get out of bed knowing that my wonderful daughter is not there to hold. I miss her so much.

Today is one of the hard days, just really missing her and don't feel real good on top of it. Actually took the day off and just kind of sunk into the couch today. Sometimes it feels like the tears just wont ever stop. I am really lucky to have you guys here and I don't think any of you realize how much you have helped me with this.

Again thank you so much

[onlybygrace]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bullit...I just saw this thread and read through its entire 28 pages. Wow...is all I can say.

I'm truly inspired by your journey and by the amazing support given by the community in this thread. It's beautiful to me that so many people who barely know you are so willing to do whatever they can to help, even if it is only to read and show their support and faith.

I also see a lot of God in this thread. His faithfulness, grace, and also His character He instilled in mankind teems with life and hope in this thread.

I wanna tell you something...

I put this thread in my favorites so I will always see it. See it as a reminder that my time with my 4 kids is limited and that limit is not known nor to be taken for granted.

The next time one of my three daughters, one of which that looks a lot like yours but only 4 years old, or the next time that my son asks to do something with me...I will try to not blow them off as often as I have. There is nothing more important than our relationship with our kids.

As a man, I have truly am convinced that losing a daughter is not possibly-but definitely- the most difficult thing a man could face. I have cried many tears reading not only your posts, but also the posts of those here who have faithfully stood by and will continue to stand by your side through this journey...which isn't over.

I hope one day when we meet Him I can see the moment you are reunited with your little angel to be with her for all of eternity. That is indeed worth living for...live for Him and he will not disappoint you.

May the Sovereign Lord Jesus Christ fill you with strength to endure, persevere, and keep Hope alive all the days of your life till you see Him face to face...and when He presents to you a daughter-faultless and blameless in His sight-may all of the saints of God shout with Victory because He has overcome the grave and is seated at the right hand of God on High reigning forever and ever. Hallelujah, praise His name.

[24]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bullit, stay strong. I can't comprehend the grief you are feeling because loosing a Child has to be the hardest thing in the entire world. Your daughter right now is watching over you and your wife. She may not be with you physically but she's with you everyday spiritually. The Love you shared for her is something that will never die. The impact she had on your life will never go away. She will always be with you in everything you do.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Thank you so much guys. Todayhas been a tough day. The pain and grief were become too much and iI was about ready to just give up, call in sick and go back to bed. But your kind words and prayers have touched not only my heart but my wife's as well.

I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

[The 24th Letter]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Hang in there man...

[AC]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Stay strong man. I'm rooting for you.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Well guys its 3 in the morning and I am really struggling lately. In 10 days it will be a year since my daughter left. I am hurting so much. I have looked back thru this thread a lot lately and I just wanted to thank you all once again. I am not sure how I have made it thru this year, but I do know you all have helped more than you know. Without you I know this road would have been a whole lot tougher to walk.

I have just taken a leave of absence from work. I am just not strong enough right now for a 10-12 hour a day high pressure job. Obviously I am having trouble sleeping again and this wave of grief is just building so strong. I would rather take a break than force it and have it end badly. I think that I have finally hit the anger stage. My temper has been so short and usually I am pretty easy going. Now the slightest thing just sets me off. Thankfully I have been able to bight my tongue and feel when it is happening because I don't really want to loose it on some poor unsuspecting person.

I am back working at my friends Comic book store, so I am not just sitting on the couch in misery. I am trying to keep moving. Going back to counseling in the coming week. Its just so hard right now and I miss her more than ever. I am having a hard time feeling anything but pain. I pray for peace and try to have faith but as I said I am struggling.

Thanks for being here guys. I really appreciate it.

[Crimsontide27]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

God Bless you and your family sir. None of us that have never experienced that kind of loss can understand what you may be going through, but know that there are a great group of people here that can try to support you through whatever means necessary. Sometimes its just to vent, and others a shoulder to cry on...but the OS family is a pretty good one.

I struggled very hard with a devastating loss as well and found solace by visiting and talking with those that had gone through exactly what I did. Doctors of all walks of life tried to treat us with some form of medication, giving our condition a special name, having us go through grief counseling weekly....and lo and behold my greatest road to recovery came by visiting with those that shared the same loss I did. Not only did it help me, but it helped them by having someone similar to share their thoughts with..that no one else would possibly understand.

Best wishes to you and your family!

[DamnYanks2]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

I haven't really said much in here, because I'm not good at this kind of stuff. Words just don't do it justice. But I've had somewhat of an experience, so I'll share, and I'll make it brief.

Lost my half brother to a car accident after he came back from service in Iraq. that hit me hard, but what followed hit me a harder then anything has ever hit me. About two years later, I came back from college and my dad had a stroke and it eventually landed him in a nursing home. I won't go in to detail, because this isn't about me. But, it ruined me.

No longer could I talk baseball with him, no more nights of watching college basketball. No more going out to eat. It was just a complete nightmare, but it was real.

I'm lucky he's alive, but it's not the same.

But I wanted to say your handling this better then anyone could, I went the opposite direction. Instead of reaching out I bottled it up, and I fought back the tears. Broke every door, and punched every wall in my house, starting drinking, never had before then, and just became an angry, angry person.

You've done all the right things. It's not fair man, its just not, you shouldn't have to experience this, nobody should. But I'll say again your handling it like a champ, hopefully you can find peace, and live your life, and forget the anxiety the best you can, I dealt with anxiety, it's just a waste of energy, but when you go through something like that, it's almost impossible for it not to affect you.

So stay strong, keep doing what you doing. Because your on the right path.

[24]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bullit I'm not sure If anything I say could help you out through this. Just stay strong man. We're here for you if you need anything.

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Great post DamnYanks.

I don't have much I can add to that Bullit. I do think it's natural that your grief would be more acute this month.

You working with your counselor and outpouring here is way better than bottling it up. This is your thread man...we are all here to support you.

Many of us are posting here, but there are also a lot of people just reading and checking in with you because they don't know what to say. But they are supporting you just the same. This thread represents the best of OS as a community and you are invaluable to all of us, man.

Keep breathing and keep posting, brother.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Thanks guys. I am really thankful that I have this place to come to. It and you have made a huge difference in my life.

I knew that this time of year was going to be really brutal and I thought I was ready, but it has been much harder than I thought it would be. Some days it is just really hard to imagine my life without her. On top of dealing with the grief and loss all of the little things just seem to pile up quicker than I would normally let them. I am usually a pretty laid back guy but boy am I frazzled now with no patience what so ever. But I figure this to shall pass.

Again thanks for the support and letting me have my space. You all are the best.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Well here we are 11/19/2013. One year to the day of my Cricket passing.

There have been many a dark day on this journey. I can honestly say this has been the hardest road I have ever walked. I have not always had the faith that I would be able to get on without my wonderful daughter. This was something that I never imagined would ever happen in our life.

I still struggle with the loss. Somedays it is very hard to go on without her. Everyday of my life up until this point has been about, for and because of my daughter. No parent should ever have to go thru this. But sometimes things just don't fall into our plans.

These things happen in our lives and how we handle them can determine who we become afterwards. Along this journey I have found many friends that I did not know that I had. I have received support from people all over the world, from you folks here on OS and many other places. I have struggled in darkness, misery and loneliness. But in the deepest pits there has always been a voice that keeps me moving. Sometimes it is very hard to hear but eventually I think the messages always find a way thru.

So with a lot of help, kind words and prayer I have kept moving and reached this point. I am looking at today with a new set of eyes. Not quite so bloodshot and tired.

A year has passed. I am still sad that she is not with me now. But she is in a glorious place and she will be there when it is time for me to go as well.

A year has passed and it is time for me to start my new life.

A year has passed and this is my life now.

A year has passed and it is time for me to walk forward.

A year has passed and it is time for me to be Bryan, Husband, Step-father and Man. I will always be Crickets Dad but she is safe and happy and I know she is in my heart. Now when I get lonely I look up to the Heaven and see the stars in the sky to know that she is looking out for me.

A year has passed.

So in closing I would once again like to say thank you to all for letting me have this space. So many of you have touched my life with your kind words and thoughts. You have all been a blessing to me and my family. This has and always will be a place for me to come and share my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully from here on out the updates will be brighter and hold more hope. I know that there will be days that the sadness may win now and then but this to will pass and it is not my future.

A year has passed and a new one has begun.

Thank you all.

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

That was a great update, Bryan

It is sounding like you have really turned the corner, and I'm sure that Cricket is very happy about that.

Like you said, this has been your thread. Post whatever you need to say on any given day, whether more upbeat or not. There are a lot of us reading your shared thoughts each time you do, and for every reply there's a lot of people reading who don't know what to say except to support you in their own thoughts and prayers.

I can't express how proud I am of the great people in this community for the support shown to you in this thread, and consider myself honored to be a small part of it.

Keep it rollin, brother! God bless.