Worst Day of MY Life

[roadman]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

You should have this space as long as you desire.

Glad you can come here and find a bit of solitude.

Not sure what kind of plans you have for today, but hopefully, you'll be able to find some point today where you can celebrate Cricket's life and light a candle or whatever you feel is necessary to get through this day.

All of your family and friends are here to support you.

[phillyfan23]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Well here we are 11/19/2013. One year to the day of my Cricket passing.

There have been many a dark day on this journey. I can honestly say this has been the hardest road I have ever walked. I have not always had the faith that I would be able to get on without my wonderful daughter. This was something that I never imagined would ever happen in our life.

I still struggle with the loss. Somedays it is very hard to go on without her. Everyday of my life up until this point has been about, for and because of my daughter. No parent should ever have to go thru this. But sometimes things just don't fall into our plans.

These things happen in our lives and how we handle them can determine who we become afterwards. Along this journey I have found many friends that I did not know that I had. I have received support from people all over the world, from you folks here on OS and many other places. I have struggled in darkness, misery and loneliness. But in the deepest pits there has always been a voice that keeps me moving. Sometimes it is very hard to hear but eventually I think the messages always find a way thru.

So with a lot of help, kind words and prayer I have kept moving and reached this point. I am looking at today with a new set of eyes. Not quite so bloodshot and tired.

A year has passed. I am still sad that she is not with me now. But she is in a glorious place and she will be there when it is time for me to go as well.

A year has passed and it is time for me to start my new life.

A year has passed and this is my life now.

A year has passed and it is time for me to walk forward.

A year has passed and it is time for me to be Bryan, Husband, Step-father and Man. I will always be Crickets Dad but she is safe and happy and I know she is in my heart. Now when I get lonely I look up to the Heaven and see the stars in the sky to know that she is looking out for me.

A year has passed.

So in closing I would once again like to say thank you to all for letting me have this space. So many of you have touched my life with your kind words and thoughts. You have all been a blessing to me and my family. This has and always will be a place for me to come and share my thoughts and feelings. Hopefully from here on out the updates will be brighter and hold more hope. I know that there will be days that the sadness may win now and then but this to will pass and it is not my future.

A year has passed and a new one has begun.

Thank you all.

wow, you really hit me profoundly with this post and got me choked up. It was a beautiful update and I wish you the best in life. I also agree that this place called earth is just a temporary transition, so by His permission, you will also have your glorious day where you will be reunited with your girl in that Glorious place. God bless you and may your heart be filled with more happiness and peace moving forward.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I717 using Tapatalk 2

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bryan, Merry Christmas

Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts, brother.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bryan, Merry Christmas

Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts, brother.

Hey Dan,

Thanks for the wishes and the thoughts. To be honest I have been struggling lately. My anxiety and grief have been building a bit with Christmas coming. I lost my job due to change in management and now don't have insurance so I cant even go to counseling or anything right now.

But on the plus side I actually managed to decorate a little for Christmas, even got the tree up and lights around the house. I have even decided to sell our current house after the holidays. Shea's bedroom is right next to ours and it is just really hard to see every day. I think that selling and moving into something new will be a good step towards closure and being able to move on a bit. I had every intention of selling the house once she graduated High School anyway which would have been this year, so...

All told I think I am doing pretty good. Maybe not as good as I should be. But definitely not as bad a I was. I still miss her and I know I always will. There are still some days that are filled with tears but I try to stay strong and remember that she would not want me to feel miserable and that she is always in my heart.



So Thank you all again. I wish you all to enjoy your families and have a wonderful holiday season. You all have truly blessed my family and I hope you have this blessing returned to you.

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Bryan, I'm sorry to hear about your job but I am right there with you. My full time job is job hunting now and I am busier than I was when I worked. Lol. Hang in there brother.

Selling the house is a good move. It won't fill the hole but it WILL make it easier day to day for you.

Good luck and you know we are all here for you, and my PM is always open for you!

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Hey Guys,

So we are coming up on to the end of the year. I am struggling really bad right now.

In 3 days it would be Crickets 18th birthday. This would have been her senior year and College would have hopefully followed, though I am guessing she probably would have taken a year off.

So far today I think I have had some anxiety attack like symptoms I think, and the tears have been flowing pretty heavily. This time of the year is just getting really hard to deal with. Some days I just find it still really hard to het thru a day without her.

Thanks for listening guys, it helps to 'talk' about her and how much it hurts sometimes.

[Jr.]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

I'm not surprised things are tougher around the holidays. You always remember great times with family and all of the love felt around Christmas and the hope that comes with a new year, so missing such a big part of that hope and of your family, it's certainly understandable that you're having a hard time.

It still hasn't been that long since your little girl passed, and I think you're doing a great job of grieving and handling everything. I'm sure there will continue to be really hard days, especially around anniversaries and other special days. I would recommend to continue what you're doing. Experience them however they come, don't try to hide your emotions, and continue to talk with others if that still helps.

You're doing great, man. Keep on keepin' on.

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Great post, Jr, and I agree. Bryan I'd be more concerned about you if you weren't having crying spells and a struggle this time of the year; I'd take that as you possibly shutting down some because I know how much you love your Cricket. The deeper the feelings, you know?

Big, burly bro hug for you, man. Keep on posting whatever is on your mind. We are here to support you.

[jeremym480]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

I echo the sentiments of Jr. and Lt. Dan.

Just try your best to keep yourself busy, Bryan. Whether it's going to a movie, playing a video game, going on a walk, etc.

I think I've said this before, but I lost one of my best friends in 2006 and I still think about him a lot. Growing up I had a few close friends, but he was the one that was the most like me. I have dreams with him in them a few times a week. Most of them are us doing things we did in high school, like going to parties, playing sports, etc. These dreams are extremely vivid and are actually really comforting to me because it's almost like we're still maintaining a friendship even though he isn't here anymore. Maybe some people think that's strange, but honestly I hope they continue throughout my life.

With that said, I'm sure that a father/daughter relationship in much, much deeper than a friendship, so I can only imagine what you are going/have been through. I wish that there was more we could do... As cliche as it is, I think that things will continue getting easier with time. Although, I'm sure that you will never truly be over this, things will get better. Just be thankful for the time/memories that you got to spend with your Cricket. I'm certain that she's would be proud of the way you've handled things and she would want you to be happy again.

You will remain in my thoughts, Bryan.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Thanks for the support guys. I really appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers.

I just keep waking up everyday and moving forward. Some days its harder than others, but really what choice do I have.

Hope you all have had a wonderful holiday and a great New Years. You all deserve it.

Peace

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Hi guys,

Today is probably the hardest of days for me.

Today is Crickets Birthday!!! Today she would have been 18 years old. We would be getting ready for graduation, she would have been driving working. Besides just missing her so much it hurts I cant help but wonder what a woman she would have become, what path she would have taken in life. I would have been at the point that every parent dreads and looks forward to. That day when your child moves on to the next stage in life.

I thought I would share one of my fond memories of Cricket with you guys.

We were at a Richmond Squirrels game and having a wonderful day. I noticed that Cricket was fidgeting and looking all over her seat. I asked her what was wrong and she looked at me with terror and said I cant find my phone. Now if any you have a teenage daughter then you know about them and phones, My daughter loosing her phone was like her loosing her right arm. Of course I was upset, phones aren't cheap, but we started looking for it. I called the phone a couple of times to see if we could hear it. We traced our steps, she went through the ladies room, trash etc. We went to lost and found and no matter where we looked we could not find that phone. So we just kind of gave up and sat down and tried to enjoy the game. A few innings later all of the sudden Cricket jumps up like she has been shot out of a cannon. She jams her hand down her shirt and brings out....... yes her phone. " It looked like it was going to rain earlier so I stuck it in my bra..." she said sheepishly. I just about died laughing and hugged her as she started to chuckle as well. From then on it became a standing joke with the family any time she was looking for her phone to check her bra.

So that was a typical day in the life with my Cricket, you just were never quite sure where the day was going to end up.

Thanks guys I hope you all are starting off with a great new year

[jmillhimes]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

So sorry for your loss my friend. I to lost my father 3 weeks ago very sudden and unexpected. No Parent should ever bury there child but your daughter was called home. She was needed by JC for some bigger purposes and Im sure she's looking down right now on you. Always remember the good times...Celebrate her life as the moments you mentioned in the past post will live on forever. My thoughts are with you

[Lieutenant Dan]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Happy birthday to Cricket!

That was a great story, Bryan. Thanks for sharing that with us. It gave me a glimpse of her personality and boy, I do know about teen daughters and cell phones!

Hang in there buddy. Tomorrow is coming down the tracks and you will get up in the morning.

[Brandwin]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Thank you for sharing your story. It choked me up just seeing the pic and imagining the situation.

[Bullit]

Re: Worst Day of MY Life

Today I have come to a realization or two. Just passing my year anniversary a few months ago life continues with my daughter. We all know that this is what is going to happen. Life goes on right? But what if it really hasn't.

I look back over the past year and not a whole lot has changed. I listen to myself talking to other people and I feel like it is all just rhetoric. My lips just seem to say words. Everybody says I am doing so well. But in truth I do not think I am.

My own anxieties have just seem to grow and this anger had settled in deep. How could it not, when you really step back and look at things. How could you not be filled with utter rage that you child has been taken from you, no matter what the circumstances. They say time heals all wounds but I have come to think this is just more crap said by those that don't know what you are going though. I don't know how much actual healing has happened this past year but I am pretty sure this wound will never heal. This is where my first realization has come in.

Remember that chipped tooth you have had. The one that you used your tongue to play with until you had a sore on your tongue. Of that scab that you kept picking until it took 3 months to heal and ended up scaring? Well I think that is what I have been doing. On those days when I actually started feeling better, I would just start to pick at it until it hurt again. So part of me is not letting myself heal. Which again I guess is to be expected. The greatest happiness in my life is gone, why would I be happy anymore. So I know that this is probably all part of the process, but until you realize it you can't deal with it. So now it's time to try and stop picking at the wound and let it heal a bit or at least begin to scar over.

The other realization I had today is the result of my five day battle so far with the flu. I have been congested and feverish. Not able to sleep and just achy through my whole body. As I was laying in bed trying to sleep I had this unreasoning fear that this was it. If I fell asleep, I was going to die just like my daughter. In case somebody is reading this doesn't know : My daughter died from acute quick onset pneumonia that turned septic. I have been sitting here feeling like a hypocrite in so many ways. I have always had a strong faith and a belief system centered on Jesus Christ as my savior So why should I be so terrified of passing on. My daughter is in Heaven, along with a few friends and family members and well its Heaven. Seems like it would be a nice place to be, just going by the name.I mean its Heaven not Decent right? So there had to be something else.

Maybe I am not afraid of dying but maybe I am more afraid of living. I think, like the picking at the wound, I am just afraid of a life without my daughter. So I don't really know how to get on with things, but I always believed that figuring out what the problem is and then talking it out is the first step. That is where I am at today. Still trying to get over the flu, life and maybe get some sleep. That should be enough for today, will set goals to get through tomorrow and then goals to get though the day after that.

One thing we have decided is that we are going to sell the house. Crickets bedroom is one door down from ours and walking past it everyday is just too much. The original plan was to sell and move once she finished High School anyway so it really isn't any different. We had only moved here for the school district and planned to move into the country as soon as she was out of school.

Peace to you all