Joke Thread

[daflyboys]

Re: Joke Thread

A poor farmer's son was playing on their land. However, with nothing at their disposal to play with because of their poverty, the boy was forced to make his own entertainment, often times resorting making sculptures out of the dung from bulls and water. One day, the mailman came by seeing the boy playing.

"What are you playing with little boy?" inquired the mailman. "Bull**** and water," said the boy. "What are you making?" asked the mailman. "A mailman," replied the boy.

Later, the family milkman came by, "What are you playing with little boy?" inquired the milkman. "Bull**** and water," said the boy. "What are you making?" asked the milkman. "A milkman," replied the boy.

Toward the end of the day, the family attorney was paying a visit. "What are you playing with little boy?" inquired the attorney. "Bull**** and water," said the boy. "What are you making?" asked the attorney. "A bakerman," replied the boy. "Well, why aren't you making a lawyer?" asked the attorney. The boy answered, "Because I don't have enough bull****!"

[Chef Matt]

Re: Joke Thread

I was dying while reading this:



Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with
a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

I haven't laughed so hard at a joke in my whole life. Sh!t thts funny.

[Salhus]

Re: Joke Thread

What did one butt-cheek say to the other butt-cheek
























If we stick together we can stop this s.h.i.t

[Dame]

Re: Joke Thread

I haven't laughed so hard at a joke in my whole life. Sh!t thts funny.

i havent laughed that hard in a long time my wife thinks im crazy. I couldnt finsh most of the joke without laughing

[Scottdau]

Re: Joke Thread

Is that a joke or did this really happen? That was some funny stuff.

[Chef Matt]

Re: Joke Thread

Is that a joke or did this really happen? That was some funny stuff.

I don't know but I read it through agian and it still had me in tears.

[Pared]

Re: Joke Thread

One Friday after a hard week of fighting crime, Superman decides to call up his buds Batman and Robin to see if they wanted to go out to chill a at local club. Well, it turns out that they had already been invited to party that Superman didn't even know was going on.

Superman is kind of pissed that he wasn't invited and he's flying around the stratosphere letting off some steam when he looks down with his super vision and sees Wonder Woman nude sunbathing on the beach. Well Superman looks through women's clothes all the time anyway so this was no big deal but then he thinks, "Hey, I could fly down there at the speed of light, have my way with Wonder Woman and then fly away before she even knows what happened."

He cruises around a few more minutes and then just can't help himself. He flies down at the speed of light, gives Wonder Woman a super banging, and then flies away before she can react.

Wonder Woman jumps up and says, "What was that!?!"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it HURT LIKE HELL!"

[HAILAS]

Re: Joke Thread

Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty-eight year olds?

A: There are twenty of them.

boo

excused: since it's way before the fact

[HAILAS]

Re: Joke Thread

Classic joke.....

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, so God asked Adam: "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your
clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when
you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache,
and will freely give you love and compassion whenever
needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

-----------------------------

Another GREAT one I read....


A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is you friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Definitely Classics

[Ruffy]

Re: Joke Thread

Saucy illicit sign points to Constance Bay's 'charms'<O</O

See photo below.

The Ottawa CitizenJuly 10, 2009 7:42 AMComments (13)<O></O>

Vandals had their way with this city sign on the way to Constance Bay, but Councillor Eli El-Chantiry says a city crew will soon have it sand-blasted back to its virgin state.<O</O


OTTAWA — Constance Bay has not designated its downtown a red-light district, despite what a racy new sign would have you think. The City of Ottawa roadside sign, which went up a couple of weeks ago, directs travellers to Constance Bay's downtown with some symbols indicating various amenities. One square was left blank. Bad move, apparently. Sometime last weekend, a vandal filled the blank spot in with a pair of stick figures who appear to be particularly engaged. But don't let the saucy illustration fool you, said West Carleton-March Councillor Eli El-Chantiry. It's business as usual in Constance Bay. He says the city will have to have the sign sandblasted back to its virgin state.<O</O

[mKoz26]

Re: Joke Thread

One Friday after a hard week of fighting crime, Superman decides to call up his buds Batman and Robin to see if they wanted to go out to chill a at local club. Well, it turns out that they had already been invited to party that Superman didn't even know was going on.

Superman is kind of pissed that he wasn't invited and he's flying around the stratosphere letting off some steam when he looks down with his super vision and sees Wonder Woman nude sunbathing on the beach. Well Superman looks through women's clothes all the time anyway so this was no big deal but then he thinks, "Hey, I could fly down there at the speed of light, have my way with Wonder Woman and then fly away before she even knows what happened."

He cruises around a few more minutes and then just can't help himself. He flies down at the speed of light, gives Wonder Woman a super banging, and then flies away before she can react.

Wonder Woman jumps up and says, "What was that!?!"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it HURT LIKE HELL!"

LOL!!! Took me a second, but that was great!

[CMH]

Re: Joke Thread

One Friday after a hard week of fighting crime, Superman decides to call up his buds Batman and Robin to see if they wanted to go out to chill a at local club. Well, it turns out that they had already been invited to party that Superman didn't even know was going on.

Superman is kind of pissed that he wasn't invited and he's flying around the stratosphere letting off some steam when he looks down with his super vision and sees Wonder Woman nude sunbathing on the beach. Well Superman looks through women's clothes all the time anyway so this was no big deal but then he thinks, "Hey, I could fly down there at the speed of light, have my way with Wonder Woman and then fly away before she even knows what happened."

He cruises around a few more minutes and then just can't help himself. He flies down at the speed of light, gives Wonder Woman a super banging, and then flies away before she can react.

Wonder Woman jumps up and says, "What was that!?!"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it HURT LIKE HELL!"

That's older than your granddaddy! Still funny.

[CMH]

Re: Joke Thread

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Let's Get Sexy with Craig Robinson from Craig Robinson

[mkharsh33]

Re: Joke Thread

i'm not visiting Constance Bay anytime soon...that bottom right picture did it for me.

[Chef Matt]

Re: Joke Thread

Don't open if you're a Raider fan.
Sorry Raider fans too funny.
Don't worry guys it's clean.

Spoiler

A guy walks into a bar with his dog to watch the Raider game just before opening kickoff.

The bartender tells the guy "Hey, no dog's allowed in here"!

The guy says "But he's the biggest Raider fan there is and we don't want to miss any of the game"

Bartender says "OK fine but make sure he doesn't crap on the floor or anything!"

The guy says "oh no, he goes outside between quarters to do that"

As the game ensues the Raiders promptly drive down field and score a quick field goal.

The Dog JUMPS UP ON THE BAR AND GIVES THE BARTENDER A HI-FIVE!

The bartender, dumbfounded and amazed exclaims "HOLY $%^ THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!! HOW DID HE EVEN KNOW THEY SCORED, UNBEILIEVABLE!"

He then asks the guy "What does he do when they score a touchdown?"

The guy says " I don't know I've only had him 2 years..."

BAD DUM BUM CHHH. LOL